Dec 042015

Every black Friday is the same sad horror show. Aren’t we getting tired of how ridiculous each year’s mob spectacle plays out? Is this suburbia’s version of “The Purge,” wherein minimum wage retail staff are the collateral damage of commerce?

Every year people stampede stores in tens of thousands…just a mass of heads in north face windbreakers and tacky Magellan “explorer wear” shirts replete with ventilation flap, dripping credit out their lambskin wallets. Their Uggs and Topsiders have been seasoned with 33 hours of queuing in the cold and they want blood. Also SAVINGS.

Some people have been injured via trampling-related incidents. Some have been killed.

Of all the callous and meaningless ways to die in this world, nobody wants to die because a few hundred people wanted to save 10 bucks on an SD card.  I don’t want to endanger my nonexistent children by field-tripping their stumpy legged neediness through 20 minutes of hip-checking grab-shopping (not to mention the 4 hours of waiting in line to check out).

“That’s just how it goes” is the usual explanation. Another thing people just do that has become an event worthy of news coverage practically every 10 minutes the day of. People dying in countries American’s don’t poll well for?

News Anchor 1 (Erin Featherbrasker)

News Anchor 2 (Tucker Sutton-Hucker)
Target’s selling reusable Dachscund sweatpants for TWENTY DOLLARS EACH.

News Anchor 1 (Erin Featherbrasker)
That’s an incredible 20% off. You need these sweatpants like
Sweet Baby Jesus need milk-milk.

News Anchor 2 (Tucker Sutton-Hucker)
God bless commerce, Erin

News Anchor 1 (Erin Featherbrasker)
Hail Hydra, Tucker.

Anyone who has watched more than two videos of Black Friday riots can see that this is the average desperate American’s prime directive. The social pressure and odds of saving money form a perfect storm of selfish, frustrated violence. Even if the world can’t give you a wage to live on or incentive to achieve, even if you may never own your own home because of inflated rent and cost of living…well at fucking least you can get a nice television a hundred bucks cheaper to stare at and forget how miserable you are.

Or a PC :) (Just saying).

Every year, many times a year I have intense conversations with friends about the desperation of their life. How things have just got to get better some time soon. I hope they are right.

For now, we celebrate with ruthless capitalism. For now we send our check-prayers to our Creditor-Gods and hope the floor doesn’t fall out from beneath us.

For now we shop.

When we can.

 Posted by at 11:23 pm
Oct 192015

9d6cddb0-fc68-4155-9224-03cc3791ec63Lately I’ve been trying my damnedest to work on various hobbies that I’ve picked up through the years. Here’s a list of some of the stuff I’ve dabbled in a bit

  • Photomanipulation
  • Vector art
  • Manalas/Kolam
  • Tattoo styles (old school, geometric, esoteric)
  • Satire writing
  • Photography
  • Guitar
  • Typography
  • Carving
  • Blacksmithing
  • Cabinetry

The list goes on and on, but generally I default to tutorials I find on YouTube for a lot of help. As a matter of fact, almost every skill I’ve developed, including editing and effects1 has been thanks to whatever resources are available online. It’s just been a bitch to consolidate the learning process as different sites have different focuses and motives/methods.

Lately I have been giving Skillshare.com2 a try and I’ve been pretty impressed with it so far. I don’t know if I am disciplined enough to keep motivated and justify it’s ~$100/year rate, but for the moment there’s a 99c trial period to mess around with.

So far I’ve started a comedy writing class, and am looking into web comic development and vector graphics as a start. First practice piece woo!



Anybody have tips? Everything was done with the pen tool over resource material.

  1. However basic and spotty they may be… More “Master of none” than “Jack” of anything really.
 Posted by at 2:57 pm
Sep 092015

Some of you1 might have gotten a notification recently that I posted a new article. Regrettably yesterday afternoon I was the receiver of a wild hair up my butt which caused me to write a new blog. I say regrettably because in the process of trying to update the site I noticed things weren’t quite working properly. I then made a series of uninformed decisions based on guessing and browsing around via FTP and deleted enough random crap that I broke the configuration. I basically put my hammy filthy casual fingers to work as a sort of novice Civil War surgeon/sysadmin, randomly deleting things that didn’t look important and even changing over the wp-config.php file to the wp-config-sample.php file without modifying the values.

Lessons learned:

  • Always back up your articles in case you have to roll back your configuration by a day or two.
  • Watching 10 minutes of Mr Robot does not mean you are qualified to diddle with your server’s brain.
  • My hosting company is not only awesome, but patient when their customers go full toddler, shit the bed, then light the walls on fire in an attempt to fix their mistake.

A few hours of explaining my lack of a technique was all it took to let the professionals sort out the issues and voila! Here we are… Somehow ahead of being behind right where we started.

So that being said, this article is going to take a stab at reproducing what I wrote  yesterday2.

Continue reading »

  1. Well, both of you…
  2. Though I make no guarantee that it’s worth any of the effort put in or intrigue generated by a phantom notification
 Posted by at 10:44 pm
Jan 192012

The dating world is a strange and frightening place- a battleground where the only weapons are wit and circumstance and the casualties are always severe. What should amount to a fun experience of getting to know someone is usually, at least to me, like getting lost in the Canadian wilderness with a gaping leg wound and no tools. As things go on, the fervor and optimism at the start just sort of bleed out and quickly become hopeless.

That’s not to say I’ve never had a good date (obviously I have), nor that the women I’ve been with on bad dates are even exclusively responsible for the turn of events. As a matter of fact, I don’t think it strains credulity to say it’s my own damn fault for fucking things up for the two of us. But you can only expect so much when you hand a microscope to a 6-year-old and tell him to cure AIDS, cancer, and Beiber Fever with a non-intrusive pill that leaves only the refreshing scent of pine as a side effect. Men, by default, just don’t have the wiring to figure out a woman’s mind.

Women are social creatures to the bone. From an early age they dissect the world of people around them to an infinitesimal degree. Over time this seems to make them, more or less, master fucking wizards of psychological warfare. We men are merely the puppets, and awkward ones at that.

So at this point, I am officially giving up on the dating game. Not to be overly dramatic here- but fuck this shit. I’ve been on so many dates the past two months that my head is spinning and I can’t tell the sky from the ground anymore. I feel like my soul has been beaten with a pipe-wrench and my heart has been breaded, pan seared, and served with jalapeno beurre blanc. This special is no longer on the menu.

 Posted by at 10:47 am
Oct 102011

Today I see a headline reading “Occupy Wall Street Reaches Ireland,” and I can’t be arsed to even click it.

There’s a fundamental problem with the Occupy Wall Street protests, and I’m certainly not the first to see it: a clear goal is missing. This movement has all the passion and persistence a good protest needs, without the end result to work towards. It’s all the fire of a fight without knowing where to land your fist.

It’s easy to understand the base trigger, as the public is just flat out unhappy with their position. We’ve been lied to, taken advantage of and generally kicked around for quite some time now and we just don’t know what to do about it. For so long we have sat by and watched with discomfort the wealthy and powerful receive amnesty and leniency from the law and from economic policies while we get both the short end of the stick and the long end of the whip.

The problem then becomes where to hit the beast where it hurts. How best to attack something so vicious and cunning without inevitably having to confront its claws.

I won’t be so hyperbolic as to assume there’s a conspiracy to fleece the public of the world, but I can’t deny a certain ominousness surrounding the apparent lack of improvement in people’s lives compared to that of the wealthy elite.

Simply put, though, threatening a punch without ever striking does little when you are the underdog. Some cohesive statement needs to be made for a reassessment of priorities. Without this, we can’t hope for anything more than a temporary fix or distraction and a swift return to the status quo. So what will it be? A band-aid for a vicious neck wound, a shiny bauble thrown far enough away to get us running, or a hard right hook to the jaw of the damned thing? I hope the public won’t knuckle under and take the easy route, but then again I’m not holding my breath.

 Posted by at 7:24 pm
May 302011

The inciting incident responsible for this post is an article I stumbled on titled “Horse herpes outbreak forces rodeo queens to ride stick ponies.” At some rarefied moments in my internet life, some things just write themselves.

“In a related story, the bovine chlamydia spread has not affected local bull-riding competitions, with only three ranch-hands and one rodeo clown seeking treatment.”

This article raises a few questions in my mind that are worth exploring.

  1. Which smarmy sailor horse started this heinous outbreak? Snake Hips, the New Jersey racehorse known for his proclivities on and off the race-track?

  2. Considering how close most riders are with their equine pals, are any of the “rodeo queens” or people affiliated with them now stand-offish after a sexually charged date?

  3. Were the stick ponies tested for HIV/Genital Warts/Gonorrhea/etc? Could this be a case of out of the frying-pan and into the fire-pee? Continue reading »

 Posted by at 1:09 pm
May 182011

It seems silly to pay for hosting without writing anything. Then again, I’m a smoker (meaning the worse implications of paying a company to kill you makes unused hosting look trivial).

There has been a ton of change in my life in the last few weeks, centered mainly around my ill-timed move back to Alabama. Ill-timed because not a full week in town brought about the worst tornado storm this area has seen in quite some time.

To make matters worse, two days prior to the storm my computer (a heavy fat baby with ethylene glycol coolant) decided to take a little piss on my graphics card. In the span of a few days I lost a vital part of my computer system AND ended up spending a full week without power. By the 7th day my balls had taken up permanent residence in my torso to avoid the icy morning showers (a hugely necessary torture, as each day I was sweating gallons hauling logs and cleaning the yard).

Regardless of all this, I’m back on the computer and plotting lots of oodle-y new stuff. Stop rolling your eyes at me, dammit!


Do you ACTUALLY believe I'll be making new content as promised? I mean at what point do you just laugh and fart in my face?

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 Posted by at 7:22 pm
Jun 172010

Let’s see if we can shake the rust off with a “Things I’m Stupid for this month” post.

1. League Of Legends

Heimerdinger will make you his little robotic bitch

This is hands-down the biggest time waster on my hands nowadays. Originally started as a Warcraft 3 mod called “Defense of the Ancients (DOTA)”, League of Legends is a top-down RPG-like champion based RTS. I think. Ish.

How ever you try to describe it, it is easily the best free multi-player experience I’ve had. The champion selections are plentiful and well fleshed out and the strategies unique and stimulating. Sometimes the community can be a bit… dickish, but that’s a risk one takes when dealing with any multi-player game.

If I were to try and figure a gripe I have with this game, it would have to be the lack of maps to play on. At the time of this writing, there are only two to choose from (a 3v3 map and a 5v5 map).

I can’t tell you how much time I’ve wasted away playing as Heimerdinger or Jax in matchups. I CAN say that I’ve played 148 matches… and lost 72 of them. Not that bad, I suppose. If I can maintain a 1:1 ratio I can’t get too mad at myself.

2. Transmetropolitan

Image is property of Aeryael (via

With the notable exception of Hunter S. Thompson’s Raul Duke, the realm of journalism is lacking in off-the-hinges-batshit-insane characters you can admire. Transmetropolitan, however, has graced us with Spider Jerusalem. The world seems better for it.

The story itself takes place in a dystopian future chock full of Bowel Disrupters, transient half-alien humanoids, and more drugs than Spider can get his grubby veins full of. The story is well written, the art quality superb and the detail is sometimes overwhelming.

I was a bit late in the game to pick this comic up, but the name Warren Ellis sounded familiar. After a quick search, I found out he is also the writer of the steampunk comic FreakAngels (of which I am also a fan). Clearly this man is out to make me go gay for him.

I can only hold out for so long.

Continue reading »