Sometimes I daydream… Zombie Outbreak
by boh3m3 on Sep.14, 2008, under Sometimes I Daydream
Sometimes, when I’m outside having a smoke, I dream about a zombie apocalypse.
My night-owl sleep schedule dictates that the hours I unusually spend outside fall during the latest points of the evening. The silence of the night is deafening. The stillness of the world around me is inescapable.
Right around the time the stillness of the night starts to register in my brain, I imagine a cadre of the undead rounding the corner to my cul-de-sac.
Their entrance is signaled by the foul stench of the dead wafting over the Spanish tiled rooftops of my pseudo-suburban neighborhood. I can hear the grinding scrape of exposed leg bones as they are dragged across the pavement, leaving a gory trail of bone fragments and tattered skin.
I picture freezing in place, hoping that they somehow have developed the visual acuity of a Tyrannosaurus. But my body can only remain still for so long as the lit cigarette smoke drifts up into my nostrils and eyes.
One zombie notices the smell of tobacco and fear emanating from my frozen figure. Its change of direction is followed blindly by the others in the horde. By now, I’m exuding fear and sweat the way an atom bomb exudes warmth.
Then I fart.
They begin a frenzied run1 at me, mouths agape like sharks at a fat seal daycare. I panic and bolt into the garage-side door which serves as the entrance to my attic apartment.
Halfway up the stairs I realize that the small metal support for the doorknob’s latch is broken, and it would take an infant’s breath to break through it’s feeble protection. The garage in my daydream seems to only contain novelty sex shop items of various sizes, and I wonder that I might have a serious hangup about sex.
As the crushing masses of zombies swarm to the door, I see myself frantically propping 2′ paper maché penis pinatas under the nob. My trusty staple gun comes in handy as I start stapling naughty policewoman uniforms over the door in lieu of boards.
One of the zombies somehow breaks through the door itself, instead of opening the damn thing. Showing my rage at the rude behavior of such a vagabond, I hurl a flaming package of body butter at it’s face, setting it alight in edible sexplay fluid hell.
I run up the stairs as if a naked spread-eagled Mary-Louise Parker is at the top beckoning with an extended finger and a wink.
Yet inevitably, as anyone living in Los Angeles County can concur, an angry crackhead yelling or a car horn bleeping snaps me out of the vivid teleplay unfolding in my head.
With a glare in whatever direction the intruding noise came, I take one last drag of my cigarette, put it out, and go back inside.
Loading ...1: I’m a follower of the more dynamic sprinter/jumper class of zombies as opposed to the “everybody shamble!” flavor of undead. A personal choice, but I think it’s the more interesting of the two.
YAY! Another entry in the books. Seems like there are only a handfull of you guys reading. As much as I adore all your eyeballs, I’m a greedy sunofabitch and I want more feedback. Your Project Mayhem Homework for the week is to tell two people about this site and to give them the address. Dot ist allenheimerbrackenbluher.
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September 14th, 2008 on 7:30 am
I think you might have a little issue with sex, Ben…just a little. Or perhaps you fancy zombies…I’m not sure. I can’t say I know of anyone else who enjoys the thought of zombies and sex toys.
As for me, I have a habit of dreaming (not day dreaming) about one of my closest friends dying, and then waking up with a sigh of relief. Just last night I envisioned her turning into a psychotic bitch and trying to kill anything that had air to breathe and things to see.
I found her, and she chased me all the way into my kitchen. Thankfully, I was some how able to find the sharpest knife I own, and rule out the ones with the dull edges.
Holding a package of chocolate chip cookies was my brain’s way of telling me that this was serious business. Well, I suppose it could have been the fact that I indulge on them when I don’t feel like making something…and that I have a package right next to my bed. Regardless, we needed to be cereal.
It became a duel. She tried to kill me with a nice blow, and I went right back at her. My mother was in the kitchen next to me, preparing dinner, and complaining of all the noise we were making.
Strange.
She finally created a nice gash in my stomach, one that actually hurt. Thinking she was victorious, she just stood there smiling. I took my knife and stabbed that bitch in the heart.
Never more was my sweet little friend. However, I remember being upset about a blood stain on the cookie packaging.
When I was finished crying over my friend’s death, my mother and I enjoyed some of the cookies she’d scavenged from that blood package.
Oh, and then I started texting Barack Obama.
September 14th, 2008 on 3:47 pm
I recently had to call my boyfriend in the middle of the night because I was scared of zombies. Not because I’d seen a horror movie, not because I’d had a bad dream - I hadn’t even been to sleep at that point. I was just terrified of opening my blackout blind and looking out the skylight in case I saw any zombies…
My room would be relatively safe. A locked front door and a number-code on my bedroom, plus the aforementioned blackout blind, mean that I’d be fine until I needed to eat.
I couldn’t calm down until I convinced myself that my teddy bear exudes a field that makes me invisible to zombies, so as long as I hugged him tight, I’d be fine.
I nearly twenty-fricken’-one, for God’s sake!!
Mind you, wouldn’t life be dull without a vivid imagination that makes you fear for your life?
September 14th, 2008 on 7:51 pm
Hahaha, that was a great story. Very funny.
I don’t usually get that far into my daydreams if they’re scary cause I usually freak myself out and run to a well lit room. Ghosts and zombies can’t live in the light right?
Dude, the fact that I read your blog should be enough for you. I’m kinda important. :)
September 15th, 2008 on 12:13 am
i enjoyed the imagery. the diction was superb. however…a slight contradiction because the feral hyperfunctional zombies wouldn’t drag their legs. but i still really liked it. and then when you used the bit of comic relief, that was well placed. then you lost me around the sex toy thing. although…i think that you should have had a giant tyrannosaurus rex dildo to beat off the zombies…that would have been intresting. one thing i really appreciated…and this is going to sound stupid but i appreciate it in your videos as well. the cigarette. fuck health, for me there is a pleasure i can’t explain when i think of writing a good story, on a type writer, and smoking a pack of cigarettes. especially if you have the white noise of a phonograph in the back round with some really good jazz. or swing. nostalgia my friend. just the very fact that you included the smoking in the story made it five stars for me. kids dont smoke. but for fucks sake…if you do do it right. lol. now i sound like a blathering idiot. what have you. well yeah. good job, keep’em comin ben.
September 15th, 2008 on 2:13 am
i cant belive you ran up the stairs. have years of watching movies were the hot blond girl meet her end trapped in the master bedroom taught you nothing?
hmm, the hot girl meets her end in the bedroom. you think thats some kind of morality message?
September 15th, 2008 on 4:10 pm
Tell only two people? Please! “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL THE WORLD?” (ok, a Strangelove reference is never out of place…)
Am I the only person who can’t f-ing read this red print on the comments?!
Altoidy Kisses,
Jaide
September 15th, 2008 on 7:57 pm
Aww, I like it. But then as an IF-fan I’m used to reading green on black. Ya get used to it.
September 15th, 2008 on 8:51 pm
I’m sorry, but the threat of dynamic sprinter/jumper class of zombies seemed secondary to the more lascivious thought of “naked spread-eagled Mary-Louise Parker is at the top beckoning with an extended finger and a wink”.
Mmmm - MILF-weed!
September 16th, 2008 on 10:51 pm
I often find myself bored[unemployed at the moment, it's just oh-so-great!], and wishing for a zombie attack just so i’ll have something do. Grabbing random objects and hurling them at the undead, using guns, machetes, whatever’s handy, seems like a better waste of time than sitting at my computer all day long.
I also dream about Zombie’s quite frequently. I think it all started when my dad sat me down to watch the Evil Dead series[Bruce Campbell is pretty much a Demi-God to me] when i was about 4. Hahaa. Does that say my dad’s messed up? Because i think so. I’ve been called a Zombie Queen, as has my roommate.
Hmm…never quite incorporated a lot of sex into my dreams though.
September 23rd, 2008 on 6:16 am
honestly, i think about a potential zombie apocalypse at least once a day. also, the theme song from “Martin” runs through my head at least once a day, but i don’t think the two are related.
October 1st, 2008 on 10:11 pm
I am so happy I’m not the only person having weird ass day dreams about Zombies!!! Granted, yours are A LOT weirder… sex toys and what not, and I live in NY!!! Interesting fact that most people don’t know… There is an actual town in michigan that runs Zombie drills and has the town ready for when they ATTACK!!!