Your Television Loves You [Act 3]
by boh3m3 on Oct.11, 2008, under Random Thoughts
…and it’s going to kill you some day.
In our last Act:
“Until the day Zack moved out. He left to live with his girlfriend in Long Beach, leaving behind a room populated by spare change on the floor and unrecognizable food bits scattered about like a rat buffet. The apartment seemed to have an open sucking wound for a room and I needed a roommate skin graft.”
Enter Brandon, stage left.
Brandon was from Oklahoma. He was almost, but not entirely exactly the sort of guy I never hung out with in high school. He played golf, and well. He had a nice, cherry-red car that flew if you so much as nudged the gas pedal. And, like most men in their early 20s, he produced a god awful amount of garbage that he didn’t have any inclination to take to the bin.
Brandon eventually brought a friend of his, named Joe, from his little town in OK1. Joe brought a television and the willingness to try everything he could to get must-see-tv. Within a week, they were watching Howie Mandel sucker poor, sad Americans to pick the bitch’s brew that is “the wrong case.”
I kept my distance. All of a sudden my apartment turned into “New Jack City,” with me as Pookie, sweaty and shaking, staring down a tableful of the crack rock that is television programming.
Thankfully, they had their door closed most of the day. I could still see the flickering light from the crack under the door, and I could still hear the scripted soul-less telepromptertalk leaking through the cheap hollow wood of the entrance.
At one point I gave in. I sat down for what must have been about 10 minutes to see if I still had the addiction. If I had not been stronger, I would probably still be there staring into the pixellated media being funnelled into my senses.
But I noticed something strange. It had no hold over me any longer. Where I used to pull a couch potato and wile away hours upon hours staring at the TV I now found myself disgusted.
It was the programming, I think. Everything I saw was formulaic and stiff. Basic, really. Every gameshow was the same to me, and every sitcom and every reality show. It was like a black hole of content that not even talent could escape.
The commercials! Jeezus the commercials. After going for over a year without I felt insulted at the shit they were trying to make me buy.
Seriously, now: when you look at commercials on television after a long absence you don’t see them as just things to be ignored but as reflections of just how stupid they seem to think you are. They try every bullet in their arsenal to snare you into buying whatever useless bauble they hock.
Sex, guilt, fear, insecurity: all weapons of advertising whether you like it or not. Buy this or you won’t be pretty. Buy this, or you could get cancer from your cell phone. Buy this and people will fuck you.
It’s all a sham.
So with a final sneer towards the glass screen, I turned my back on television. I stepped away from people telling me what to think and what to buy and what I should look like. I left it all behind, and you know what?
I’m better for it.
1: Frankly, from the way these two acted, I can’t help but cultivate the opinion that the poor state is anything but O.K.
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Another blog in the bag!
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October 11th, 2008 on 8:23 pm
ABSOLUTELY! Whenever I watch adverts these days the subtext is crassly apparent. Buy this and you will get sex. Bank with us and you will be rich beyond your wildest dreams. You will be safe. Your home won’t be taken away and your family won’t be cast out onto the streets to live off their own fecal matter.
It’s very distasteful to me now. I still download shows though, I’ve been watching Black Books lately - love it!
PS spellcheck is your friend. And honestly, a Grocer’s Apostrophe? Honest to God B, you’re better than that. Fixy fixy.
October 11th, 2008 on 8:24 pm
“Grocer’s Apostrophe”? I’m not familiar with that one.
*scampers to Google*
October 11th, 2008 on 8:26 pm
Ooooh bad times… you’ll see them everywhere now!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thiefree/2327061924/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thiefree/2857538285/
October 11th, 2008 on 9:03 pm
“,sad American’s to pick the bitches brew that…”
(If I’m not mistaken D:)
Right there,Ben. Shame on you..:P
Forgivable,though. I love all your blog entries,but the ones that seem very random,yet are INCREDIBLY entertaining are my favorites..:D
October 11th, 2008 on 9:11 pm
@MonsterKjersti and Thiefree: Oh god! Haah. I can’t believe I missed that. My proofreading doesn’t normally allow such crap to pass through. For a minute there I thought that “bitch’s brew” was what Thiefree was talking about.
Whoops! Corrected. :D
October 11th, 2008 on 9:14 pm
BLAST…!
I was so distracted by the apostrophe-thing that I forgot to say what I intended to! ^^,
Though my opinion is more or less the same as yours and Tiefree’s,I’ll take up space and say it anyways!
Commercials suck,they’re (for the most part) all a sham. The stuff that’s actually good on TV is being dragged down by all the crap that’s just…crap. (I just love showing off my own vocabulary…) I prefer buying the shows on DVD,or downloading them. ( Me being a fearsome pirate and all…)
October 11th, 2008 on 9:15 pm
Hooray! like you i leave the rents…and lose the 3247829 channels and 43578329 inch hd tv. and remember how much i miss my fav. authors. where the tv used to be a sibling ….now the bitch is my uncles 3rd divorced wife that everyone hates
October 11th, 2008 on 9:27 pm
Ben, are you an advocate of tough love?
Well, I don’t care.
“tablefull” = tableful. I knowit looks ugly, that’s why you shouldn’t make up words unless you know what you’re doing.
“telepromtertalk” = I’m fairly sure the verb ‘prompt’ should be in there somewhere. Again, just because you invented it doesn’t make it right.
“funneled” - well, bless you, you’re American and can’t help it.
Also, fix the hyperlink in pt1, I think you need to remove the / after the url.
I replied to your comment on my blog by the way. Sorry for the obsessive communicating tonight, I don’t know what’s caused it!
October 11th, 2008 on 9:29 pm
You know the point where you should just cut your losses and stop embarrassing yourself? Yeah/ That was about 11 posts ago for me. At this point it seems like the only recourse is to plunge onward, hoping that there’s a light at the bottom of the pit. There isn’t.
October 12th, 2008 on 12:20 am
hey man, leave TV alone.
mother TV suckled you for years. now you look down on her just because she was banging the advertising guys to buy your baby formula? you think errie indiana and pete & pete just make themselfs?
you think your internet daddies any better? you have to sift though just as much, if not more crap to find the golden nuggets of goodness. and internet daddies been had by the ad men so often he walks with a permanent limp!
nice telling of your life story though the many tvs that you’ve had / not had. that was a kick arse notion.
@ thiefree. black books is awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JU4S2BIqoHY
October 12th, 2008 on 1:07 am
Wow, I thought I was a spelling/grammar Nazi! Well, I will leave that business to the other readers to point & counter-point until this server’s bandwidth implodes…
Television will always be around, Ben. The shows and commercials will continue to be slicker and vacuous. Beginning next year, they’re encouraging television subscribers to update their cable to digital terminals and I can’t even afford to buy 2 AA batteries for my remote!
October 12th, 2008 on 5:37 am
@DevonBasedMan: That clip’s brilliant X) Pissmidget is a tragically underused insult, I’m sure you’ll agree!
October 12th, 2008 on 6:33 am
@Thie’free: Grocer’s are people two, give them a brake, their only trying too sell there tomato’s, avocado’s and potatoe’s fore cheep, cheep price’s.
And yes television is generally shit these days. There are still some great shows around but they’re soiled by the ads - much better to get the dvd and watch a show uninterrupted.
October 12th, 2008 on 7:28 am
*sniff*##J, why do you hate me :(
“Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.”
- Clive Barnes
October 12th, 2008 on 7:34 am
Ben…it’s not all a sham.
IT’S SHAMWOW.
YOU’LL BE SAYING WOW EVERY TIME YOU USE IT.
IT WAS MADE IN GERMANY, AND WE KNOW THE GERMANS ALWAYS MAKE GOOD STUFF.
YOU CAN USE ONE WHEN YOU GET OUT OF THE SHOWER, ONE FOR YOUR CAR, ONE FOR YOUR DISHES…
OLYMPIC DIVERS USE THIS. LOOK! I’M DRY!
IT PICKS UP COLA! IT WORKS WET!
BUY IT.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJEKqI1e714
October 12th, 2008 on 8:41 am
I closed out my direcTV account a year and a half ago…I just quit watching the damn thing and let it go…I’d rather watch real people…and they cannot be found on television
October 12th, 2008 on 12:36 pm
“buy this and people will fuck you!”
This reminded me of a commercial I saw yesterday while watching old school Beavis and Butthead.
AXE CHOCOLATE.
Why the hell would you ever want to smell like chocolate, and what girl is going to be attracted to a guy who smells like FOOD.
October 12th, 2008 on 2:10 pm
No, I thought that was a ridiculous concept too. As a ladytype, I can confirm that chocolate should smell like chocolate and men should smell like man (only less sweaty).
October 12th, 2008 on 3:08 pm
I agree with you for the most part, that television is just inane drivel, but I do have a few guilty pleasures on the ol’ lightbox.
-Dexter: My dad introduced me to this one.. I’m glad that you watch it too. Isn’t it phenomenal? Have you been downloading the episodes of the latest season?
-The Office: Satirical genious, even if it was stolen from a few Brits across the pond.. Steve Carell is perfect
-South Park: Cmon, I’m an 18-year-old guy.. Matt Stone and Trey Parker are fucking brilliant.
-Kenny vs. Spenny: To know I live within a few miles of a show this hysterical blows my mind. Canadian entertainment is usually an absolute trainwreck with thousands of pounds of dog diarrhea piled right on top. Its easy to see why Matt and Trey became Exec Producers for the show.. hilarious.
-Prison Break: I got suckered into watching this a couple years ago by a good friend of mine, now I cant miss an episode. Definitely the most guilt inducing item here.
..Aaannd that’s about it. Either video games, or the internet, or video games on the internet (plus a little real-life SOCIALIZING every now and again) from that point on.. for entertainment purposes anyway. I do spend a lot of time eating and in the bathroom, too.
What about eating, in the bathroom, while playing video games on the internet?? Why hasnt anyone thought of this yet!?
October 12th, 2008 on 3:58 pm
Ohhhh, Thiefree, I don’t just hate you, I hate everyone, so don’t feel like you’re alone.
I have more to add - is it just me or are cartoons so much more shit now than they were back in the 80’s and 90’s? Only on TV to sell some shitty bloody card game.
“I’m gonna use my Dark Magician card to take you out!!”
“Yeah, well, I just cut your foot off with my large sword. I win.”
October 12th, 2008 on 6:26 pm
As usual, I find Mr J’s comments to be ALMOST as funny as the main reason I came here…(which of course is to slobber on B)…
Sigh. Spelling Nazi. I think I used to be an A grade English student. And then the Internet came along…and woe to all…erosion of the intellect…
Really looking forward to the merch, B-
Jaide
October 13th, 2008 on 4:02 am
I have a love hate relationship with the television. I actually don’t own a cable or satellite service at the place where I live. But I do pay a satellite bill each month. The reason why? I work for a satellite company. As a customer service representative. The satellite bill I pay is for my parents, where they are allowed to have every single channel available for Canadian viewers.
There’s nothing like working for a company whose services who despise.
Now I know what an apathetic clergy man would feel like.
Anyway, there’s my bitch. But … there are some shows I like on T.V. Lately, I’ve been watching True Blood, since I’m both an Alan Ball and a vampire fan. I don’t think it’s completely useless. But I do think that television as a whole will disappear as internet and downloadable content becomes more and more popular.
October 13th, 2008 on 5:51 am
STFUJ
October 13th, 2008 on 8:00 am
OH MY GOSH LET’S ALL GO HAVE A PICNIC it would be great I’LL BRING THE LEMONADE you can bring the sandwiches!!! RACE YOU TO THE PARK *runs*
October 13th, 2008 on 5:20 pm
I believe that’s the first time I’ve ever been STFU’d, thanks OzBro, it’s an honour.
October 14th, 2008 on 5:15 am
TV is alright I suppose even though there is the problem of not actually watching it anymore and buying (or pirating) the release of shows for DVD. Oh and by the way Thiefree don’t ever stick me with the sandwiches again *runs a day late*
October 15th, 2008 on 7:37 am
I’m almost 22 now and i havent watched the tube since 4 years. Last time, i’ve installed Zattoo(tv software) and clicked (a bit scared of what i saw) my way through some channels.
It was the same experience you had. The (tv)Force is no longer with me…i’m glad
October 17th, 2008 on 3:28 pm
I’m not a fan of tee vee either. When i was a pre-teen it was a staple of my existence, but now i just can’t do it. There are a few shows i watch, but not on my actual television. That is used really only for the video games and DVD’S.
No sitcoms or reailty tv for me. I watch True Blood, Sarah Connor, Fringe, and LOST. Oh, and Battlestar Galactica[because yes, i am a total nerd.]. I can’t watch regular tv, game shows and such. They just hold no appeal whatsoever.