Sometimes I think I’m broken. I think why do I think that? I think who could I have been? I think that in some way or other I’m somehow the worst thing that could have occurred from being conceived. That in some parallel dimension there’s the best version of myself thinking that in some parallel dimension I exist… And I do.
I see the choices I made and didn’t make, the roads I didn’t walk down and the people I didn’t talk to. I picture hundreds of thousands of alternate possibilities extending ad infinitum and I see the domino effect from one insignificant choice made to the next.
I think of the sometimes futility of thinking and giggle to myself.
I think of not thinking. I wonder what it would be like to not have preconceived notions and a lifetime of experiences shaping my thoughts and actions. I remember the phrase ignorance is bliss, and the looks of pity to the ignorant from the people who say things like that.
These things run through my head like little model trains loaded with paradoxes wrapped in contradictions. I spend my time putting pennies on the tracks.
But eventually I remember that when I’m feeling like the worst person on earth, out of the billions of people in the world at least a hundred people did as I have done, or would have. And in that anonymous throng of humanity I find peace that I’m not so fucked up that I can claim to be alone on this rock.
Then I smile. I feel the warmth of the sun on my face again and I know I’m going to be ok. I know that somewhere, someone loves me and is thinking of me.
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Ben. Introspection is a mixed blessing, as I’m sure you’re well aware… to see your own failings in so clear a light.
When confronted with the truth of just how crap we can be, it can have two results. Push us down or drive us on. Your note of optimism at the end gives me hope that you’re being driven on, accepting who you are and what you’ve done and deciding to do better next time. I hope this is the case.
And, lest we get too self-indulgent and start using words like “lest”, I recommend this:
http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/page/1
I’ve gone through that cycle of thought several times. You’ve summed it up pretty well. Periodically we need to have realizations that we are, in fact, assholes. The fact that we recognize this in ourselves proves that we’re not quite at the lowest possible point, because we can still recognize bits of ourselves.
Ben, I really think you’d enjoy John Dies at the End by David Wong, if you haven’t read it already. There’s a lot of this sort of thought, where we just trudge along though life while sometimes realizing that we’re just assholes like everybody else, but also realizing that acknowledging this makes us better people. Plus, you know, it’s just a really hilarious book, and I’m recommending it to everyone.
It sounds good! Does John Die at the End?
I feel the same way! I feel like there’s something wrong with me, I feel like I wear people repellent as perfume or something. Sometimes, I feel that I’m physically, mentally, emotionally unable to have a conversation with another individual. I feel like I’m not understood and I feel as though I could never belong.
Then I tell myself that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s my choice to be socially retarded and I figured if people understood me I wouldn’t like it at all. It takes away from my mysterious ‘charm’
I guess it depends.
And I think of you! Stuff like, “I wonder what Ben is doing” or, “I wonder what Boheme’s favorite ice cream flavor is.”
So you’ve got tons of fans here, and your existence in life isn’t meaningless, because you’ve certainly impacted the world of you tube.
It’s all about leaving your little thumb print on the world, huh? And despite all the choices you’ve made and the turns you’ve taken in life, it comes down to this; how many thumb prints do you want to make? Sometimes, I wake up in the morning and say, “I decided to take this turn in the fork in the road. I meant to do this.” because it’s what you make of it.
Yesterday I had an hour to burn after school till I had to go to a recital. I decided I wanted to work out, but the gym didn’t open till the time the recital started, so I decided to get lost downtown. Explore what my city had to offer me, looked at these amazing historic houses, just taking random turns as I went along. Sometimes down one way streets which induced screaming panic attacks and scared old ladies crossing the street, but I meant to do it, and I don’t regret it one bit because when I found my way back to school I felt as if I had discovered a little more of myself and how little screaming old ladies reacted in the face of danger.
Every thing’s a lesson, and even mistakes could be considered good learning experiences.
i know how you feel, and just wanted to say..i love u, ur great person, ur funny as hell and life is a roller coster just gotta hang on and wait till the ride is over
I’d have to agree with sara.
I know how things can be so overwhelming and make you end up looking back at your life, leaving you to ask yourself where has the time gone. And make you think of ever even that has taken place and the wrongs and rights of the world and of you life. over thinking become second nature and yet you are at a loss of direction. Free will, free thinking is taken over by a flood of emotions. Then your face with that endless road that seem to lead every but the one place you’d like to be.
Hey.
This whole entry reminds me alot of my favorite passage from “The Sorrows Of Young Werther”, by Goethe. If you haven’t gotten a chance to read it, check it out. Good stuff.
“That the life of man is but a dream, many a man has surmised heretofore; and I, too, am everywhere pursued by this feeling. When I consider the narrow limits within which our active and inquiring faculties are confined; when I see how all our energies are wasted in providing for mere necessities, which again have no further end than to prolong a wretched existence; and then that all our satisfaction concerning certain subjects of investigation ends in nothing better than a passive resignation, whilst we amuse ourselves painting our prison-walls with bright figures and brilliant landscapes, — when I consider all this, Wilhelm, I am silent. I examine my own being, and find there a world, but a world rather of imagination and dim desires, than of distinctness and living power. Then everything swims before my senses, and I smile and dream while pursuing my way through the world.”
well written! i know what you’re saying all to much..
Dear Ben, keep doing what you do and never stop.
“It is through art, and through art only, that we can realize our perfection.”
-Oscar Wilde