Economic “Downturn” Survival Guide - Food
by boh3m3 on Nov.20, 2008, under Random Thoughts
Good day to you! My, what a wonderful Economic Downturn we’re having these days, eh? People all over the country are finding free time through lay-offs and businesses not being able to pay their staff.
Are YOU one of the lucky unemployed choking down macaroni and cheese with tuna? Well, we here at boh3m3.net have the perfect survival guide for living on the cheap. Won’t you join us in frolicking through the fundless fjords of frugality?
Food
Food is the basis of all life on this planet. Without food we die; and if we die, who will be around to talk to those lonely credit card companies?
So in the interest of feeding the beast before yourself, here are some tips on eating well without spending much cash.
1.) Gruel
This is not gruel, this is oatmeal. Gruel is worse.
Many people don’t know this, but gruel is actually edible! I mean, if thousands upon thousands in Africa subsist on this stuff, it’s just GOTTA be the bee’s knees for us here at home.
Keep an eye out for UN trucks going to other exotic foreign lands with food and supplies while you lay starving on the street. If it makes you feel any better, try the old “I’m pulling on the horn wire” motion to see if they will honk and verify your existence.
2.) MRE’s (Meal, Ready to Eat)
Ah, Uncle Sam’s version of Werther’s butterscotch candies. These dried out food packets come with yummy-yummy protein, carbohydrates, and even a nifty little heating device that needs only a splash of water to get warm. They even come with a cute little bottle of Tabasco and some chicklets!
Of course, if you aren’t killing for your old Uncle Sam, be ready to shell out some of those PADs (Presidents, Already Dead). We found a site selling a MRE basic food and water supply for three days for $33.49. That’s $11/day, for those of you playing at home. Of course technically speaking each package is labeled with:
U.S. Government Property
Commercial Resale is Unlawful
But since there isn’t a law passed yet making it unlawful to sell these items, you can rest assured that if you have the money, you can eat the science your tax dollars already paid for!
Till they make it illegal to buy and sell, that is :D1
3.) Food Stamps
Get more poor, or produce more babies.
YAY! The government is going to help you out with some of those pretty pretty food stamps! Nowadays you use an electronic card instead of paper stamps, so you can still get that feeling of hopeless depression associated from losing all your money to credit card companies and the government!
These are used in lieu of cash to buy breads and cereals, fruits, meats and dairy products. However, you cannot use the benefits to buy soap, toilet paper or toothpaste as they are not food and they will not pay to keep you clean. For that, you’ll need welfare checks, you dirty peasant!
Of course, you need to have a household that has a net income of 100% or less of the Federal poverty guidelines [which is $1,467/month for a household of three] and a gross monthly income of 130% or less of the Federal poverty guidelines [which is $1,907/month for a household of three].
Keep in mind while your stomach is rumbling that these guidelines are for your protection, and were made by well-fed politicians who don’t read nearly as much as they sign and have never had to actually live on these programs themselves.
4.) Local wildlife
Kill the beast! Eat it
If you’re fortunate enough to live in the great cities of Los Angeles or New York, you know that pigeons and seagulls are about as plentiful as pop stars [though at least the pigeons have substance]. When at the last leg of your life, you could aim for the naturally occurring beasties proliferating your neighborhood!
Well you could, if there weren’t well thought-out laws made for your protection restricting the killing of local wildlife.
See, you need to understand that even though you are starving to death and that a bit of pigeon meat would help you last long enough to kill another, it’s just not good for society to let you murder those cute little cooing shit-droppers. I mean, what would the neighbors think? Poor people everywhere, chasing down those helpless little animals you bought the $500 birdbath for.
No, your best bet is to find one that’s dead already to keep your conscience clear and your body out of prison. The streets are sometimes generous enough to give you a dead carcass or two, if you know where to look.
Of course, there is also the fact that these animals have been eating human waste for their entire lives and are in worse shape than you… but that shouldn’t matter now. Consider the bits of aluminum and plastic soda-can-holders in their bellies as a perk that you can recycle for a few pennies. Their meat might be a bit tangy, but that’s to be expected from inhaling copious amounts of smog and exhaust for days on end while avoiding ledges covered in metal spikes or broken glass.
Well that’s it for this chapter on surviving an Economic “Downturn.” Stay tuned for more tips on surviving this burgeoning crisis here on boh3m3.net!
Loading ...1: A smiley! Those are free too, and might make you forget just how empty your stomach is due to blood-sucking credit card companies!
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November 20th, 2008 on 3:04 pm
i never knew what gruel looked like, i thought it was like porridge but i guess not, hmmmm my survival tip is move out to the forest and take it old school, caveman times.
November 20th, 2008 on 3:10 pm
@Gareth: Whoops! Forgot to put that it’s oatmeal. Will fix.
November 20th, 2008 on 3:41 pm
Ohgod B.
*kills self*
November 20th, 2008 on 3:44 pm
@Thiefree: What?
November 20th, 2008 on 4:20 pm
Ah, I remember the MRE “Box Lunches” from my old Army days; the Salisbury Steak was actually quite tasty…
Time to broaden your taste buds, my good man. Foods you may have disliked in the past; should be re-examined and make a regular appearance on your dinner plate. Sardines can be a delicious and economical food source, but, by all means, stay away from any canned pet foods!
This blog reminds me; do you accept Money Orders by mail?
November 20th, 2008 on 4:29 pm
It’s just depressing, babe. If I could run away to a land full of beds and unicorns, you know I would.
In fact, wanna come?
November 20th, 2008 on 5:20 pm
@Ozbro: Sorry, man. I can’t bring myself to accept your money.
@Thiefree: It’s black satire, darling. That’s sort of the point.
November 20th, 2008 on 5:23 pm
*sniff* be nice to me, I have the Dumb.
November 20th, 2008 on 5:49 pm
food…whats this food thing? :p
November 20th, 2008 on 5:54 pm
@Thiefree: and I use the Google
November 20th, 2008 on 6:15 pm
Shay! Hello lovely, how’s things?
Food is what my boyfriend tries to make me eat instead of chocolate (cruel fiend).
November 20th, 2008 on 7:20 pm
Ben can accept my money, though! The U.S. Government hasn’t taken all of my money yet!
I’m not looking forward to the day when I’ll have to read this “poast” and take it seriously. OH NOES!
Thiefree, I’m going to message you on MSN! =D
I like it when Thiefree says things that make my girlfriend hit me!
November 20th, 2008 on 7:21 pm
And Ben…why does your oatmeal look like re fried beans?
November 20th, 2008 on 8:33 pm
Can’t wait to see what you come up with for shelter ideas…
*tears* I’m too far inland to have any seagulls and there be no pigeons in my area. Good thing I gots two lil childrens I can use for my foodstamp requirements. :P
November 20th, 2008 on 11:18 pm
This is exactly what I need Ben. I find it rather unfortunate being my age and still retreating to a domicile inhabited by family and now I’m paying for it (literally). Another unfortunate circumstance of such lazy proportions is the fact that I now have the only household income to spread between three other “roommates” *Gasps* along with the other financial responsibilities therein (only a week so far, but the pessimism is beginning to take hold like a fat kid clutching a chocolate bar mid seizure). A recommendation to the family is babies!
Mixing pleasure with the need to survive… Genius!
November 21st, 2008 on 1:34 am
@boh3m3: Fine; I’ll take my Money Order to the bank, cash it in, buy some good, cheap strong beer, a pack of smokes and a can of Sardines - I’ll consume these items in your honour.
@joiywtj: There was a time in my life, where every meal I ever ate was refried beans - it was a very flatulent experience for me.
November 21st, 2008 on 4:27 am
I enjoy them quite a bit, actually. But I prefer to eat them with something else, too…like cheese…or hot sauce…
Or I put their deliciousness on a tortilla, then put taco meat on top …and omigawd…
There was a time in my life, where every meal I ate was high calorie-it was a very fat time in my life.
November 21st, 2008 on 5:21 am
Every meal I eat is high calorie, but I compensate by only eating once a day. Hooray!
Ooh, dear Americans. When is thanksgiving?
November 21st, 2008 on 8:31 am
Why has no one thought of killing all the pigeons and getting locked up? At least in prison you get three square meals per day, a warm bed and medical. I know that’s the way I’ll be going. The state takes from me, I’m quite willing to take from the state.
November 21st, 2008 on 1:59 pm
Thursday, love.
Join us!
November 22nd, 2008 on 5:01 am
@Sarah: Prison may sound inviting with its three, wholesome square meals a day, warm, clean sleeping accommodations, fresh, sharp, prison-issue uniforms and maybe learn a new trade while killing time, but there’s only one drawback… pure, who-needs-lubrication-when-spit-is-available-don’t-touch-me-there-that’s-an-exit-not-an-entrance! butt-secks!
I’ll stick to Ramen noodles.
November 22nd, 2008 on 7:32 am
Anna!! things….things are thing like. my job has recently decided to take all my time and eat it…Tonights fiasco…a college frat…welcome to the hellish life of event coordinating. just when i think the seasons over…i get hit with 100 drunken frat boys.
November 22nd, 2008 on 5:49 pm
at first i was like o.o
but then
i lawled :D
~Garth
November 23rd, 2008 on 4:50 pm
Event coordinator?! That sounds hella cool. Of course it sucks though, otherwise you’d pay them and not the other way around… ;)
Man. You’ve gotta remember, lovely lady, I’ve never met a frat boy in my life! Still. I can imagine the not-fun-ness of it.
November 23rd, 2008 on 5:38 pm
Mmmm yes the fabulous life of event coordinating…bitching brides and pyshco mothers. Sadly enough I love it. I’m a masochistic like that.
They were okay last night…13 hours in heels and I’m a little sore today.
And you aren’t missing to much with frat boys. I guess separately they’re just an average male…but in large groups they turn into chanting, drinking, whores :) not that I have any problem with the mentioned traits …until I have to choral them…or deal with the aftermath.
November 24th, 2008 on 2:42 pm
Mm, understood, student males are much the same over here. Fortunately the average pack tends to be between 3 and 10, so the destruction is a lot less organised!
@Ben: are you still gonna do a stickam/blogtv chat sometime this month? Or have I missed it?
November 25th, 2008 on 6:19 pm
Hey, Jamin` Ben, you should update your blog soon. I’m craving some of your writing.
And as Thiefree said…when?
November 26th, 2008 on 6:16 am
Maybe he’s dead…
I claim this blog for England!! Huzzah! *sticks flag in boh3m3.net*
November 26th, 2008 on 10:13 am
Doubtful. His latest Twitter update worries me, though.
December 4th, 2008 on 2:39 pm
I gotta wonder, would the pop stars taste good even if they had substance?? Somehow I doubt it…