A Near-Life Experience [P1]
by boh3m3 on Feb.02, 2009, under A Day in The Life...
Part 1: An American Nightmare
Before this starts, please know that I am, yet again, more than flat broke. I need your help to pick my stupid ass up again out of the financial grave I giggled myself into. Please consider a donation, because this silliness is just too much fun to be brought down by money. 1
My story is pretty obvious to most people visiting this site, but for anyone happening by here are the cliff notes:
1.) I make tons of mistakes, because I like to learn the hard way. Gives me the stubbornness of an old man at the age of 23.
2.) I state the obvious mainly to find out if I’m the only red-assed baboon laughing at the world trying to “cover their assets”.
3.) I try to find the common denominator between many things in order to understand the whole for the sum of its parts.
4.) I really suck with money.
Let’s start with June of 2008: a magical time where the recession had already started it’s party, yet the whole world was still looking for the recipe to their famous “Oh fuck let’s all panic” artichoke dip. The air was artificially sweetened with Splenda-Fart dreams and the tap water was accidentally enhanced with prescription pollution residue.
I was working as an extra, meaning a metaphorical prostitute for sexually frustrated sadomasochistic cheapskates. I came, I saw, I fake-walked the walk and fake-talked the talk, leaving the sets sweaty and used up. My only regret is not bringing a dresser for them to leave cash on, as opposed to waiting 2-5 weeks for checks.
Supposedly, the writer strike hurt all production to around half of what it was before2. Since it was difficult to keep myself fat, Waiter-hood was calling me back to be a servant of a different hue.
For 5 months, I scrambled around Torrance, applying at every restaurant I could find. At every one, save for the Olive Garden, I was told positions were full and they would hold my application. Something I find hilarious in retrospect, since in a recession most restaurants can’t even hold their customers.
The Olive Garden was/is a special place, in that I had to spend a cumulative 8 hours spread over the course of a month to not get hired. I suppose the insight I received there is: no manager really has a clue what the others are doing. Servers really are the cogs in a broken clock from corporate hell. God save the Queen, Hail to the Chief, and let my people GO!
I found odd jobs here and there, one of note in South Central LA. For a few days, I put together computers for Locke High School in Watts 3. I was asked to help the students log in with unique IDs, a task which was made more difficult by the teachers.
The “lead” teacher was an overinflated, yellow-flannel-wearing hot-tempered man who looked like Humpty Dumpty after all the king’s horses were made into glue for all the king’s men. He had beady, frightened eyes and fingers resembling his favorite sausages. On more than one occasion, I considered popping mustard packets on his desk to find out if he would eat himself in confusion.
There was also the older female teacher that had many cats, but few coping mechanisms for the world she was living in. Clinging to the past and weakly smiling at the youth she once had, occasionally teaching things such as how to click a mouse or how to look for the school’s new Harry Potter books.
The students were loud, funny, and much more interesting. I showed them how to log in, gave them quick answers to easy test questions, and earned $20 bucks an hour. They told me not to smoke, I told them not to be the teachers they didn’t listen to. I compared tattoos with one or two of them and generally laughed my ass off at the teachers reeling in the chaos of students actually learning without them.
But it was a short one-time gig, and I found myself in need of that elusive bitch known as “steady employment.” Help from relatives in bits and pieces paid some bills, and I could buy little things from a steady stream of perhaps 40-50 bucks a month from internet videos posted on a site of unspeakable evil. Be it known to you by the bloody bandage flag it flies to attract the YOUth away from the picture TUBE.
So I bit the bullet and signed up for unemployment. It was my first time, and they were surprisingly gentle. I then proceeded to get pissed at myself for not signing up much earlier, a realization made more vivid by the end of the first check’s cycle.
After nearly 6 months of struggle and depression, within the two weeks of being eligible for unemployment benefits, I found a job at Ralphs near the South Bay Galleria.
That job lasted one frustrating week of miscommunication and managerial arrogance combined with my own stupid mistakes. I have nothing but pity for the workers there. They, like us all, deal with lazy puds infecting their workplace with rules and regulations made out of fear and stupidity, discarded when it benefits them most. It’s a democratic rat race where the only thing people decide is who to trip next.
Squeak squeak, I’m back to not having a reliable cheese track to run on.
Stay tuned for more! Bitch and whine about donations in the comments section!
- Especially in an economic crisis, where the only thing people seem to be able to keep hold of is their own genitals (mine are fine, thank you). Don’t grip too tight, or you might lose those as well! ↩
- A figure I was told by many extras who “know people” ↩
- A high school that in summer of 08 had a massive race fight in the cafeteria, getting lots of news coverage ↩
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February 2nd, 2009 on 5:46 pm
You always were my favorite yarn spinner
February 2nd, 2009 on 7:37 pm
Hang in there, Benjamin, sir. I’m back to delivering pizzas meself. Delicious ones, mind you, but still.
February 2nd, 2009 on 9:25 pm
Ben: That absolutely sucks that the deli job only lasted one week - I, myself, abhor arrogant managers, so I know exactly where you’re coming from.
If you can set up a P.O. Box at your local Post Office; I will send you a generous Money Order in your name. Not everybody can set up a PayPal account and I am one of them.
Also, here is my contribution to the “Photo Love” page. I tried to send it to you a month ago to no avail.
Looking forward to Part 2!
February 3rd, 2009 on 2:12 am
It’s good to hear what you’ve been up to, I must say. I didn’t quite manage to piece it together while it was happening.
I sent you a ‘photo love’ thing a while ago too, check your email.
I wish you all the best, and yeah… keep us posted!
Anna x
February 3rd, 2009 on 7:20 am
You gives inspiration in weird sense of way to the youths who are unbearably broke and poor and who are trying to stay up or so to say stay alive! Whats inspiring is how you are still writing the interesting blogs, uploading videos (which i think you had to stopped coz you dont have access to internet etcs). You are doing this even when you are flat broke and might be struggling to even pay for your food. I cant appreciate more how you finds humour in this terrible situations and writing ‘worth reading types’ blogs.
Thats pretty weird to me, how you manage to do it! They say creativity and talents dies when the person is struggling to even buy the food, I dont see that happening to you, which is commendable. But just one friendly suggestion, dont beg for money. I know you need it most right now, but begging for money or asking for donations ruins all the heart you shows in sustaining in these times of absolute poverty you are facing.
Anways, tc. Keep writing and try and post videos, never let your innovative sense of humour die due to this bad patch or stop your creative mind in finding art in miserable poverty. I am a fan of that side of yours and many others are as well, I am sure.
Krrish.
February 3rd, 2009 on 7:58 am
<3
February 4th, 2009 on 8:49 am
Weeee there he is!!! Ben the professional beggar. Why don’t you get a fucking job,get two,Do whatever it takes to make a paycheck and not have to beg.You fucking loser. You come around with your fucking sob stories when you fucked up your own life long before the recession got bad.
Did you ever think the problem is you? Ever think that maybe you should spend less time worrying about the internet and trying to be the late great Hunter Thompson?(there can be only one and your cheap mimicry is insulting to his memory)
I live in California too. I’m doing just fine I work two jobs and I get my bills and rent paid. There’s no excuse for a grown man to beg for money and cry as much as you do. You deserve to be in the position you’re in because you put yourself there. The real truth is that you don’t want to work for anything.You want a fucking hand out.
All you people feeling sorry for this loser are only enabling him not to try to fix his life himself. I sent him money once. I’ll never do it again because the more you give, the more he begs. Go make your cardboard sign,grab your paper cup and stand on a street corner Ben because that’s where you are heading.
February 4th, 2009 on 8:51 pm
Gee, the things you miss when you don’t have the internet for months! Wow Ben, sorry to hear about your crisis, i know how it is. In the past week i had to move back in with my father because me and my roommates lost our house. Michigan is really fucking bad right now. Between me and my one roommate working, we just couldn’t cut it. So it’s starting over time, time to save up again. I’d really like to be able to leave Michigan, but i don’t think it’s going to be happening any time in the near future.
Well, i wish you luck, man.
And Daniel, you’re an asshole.
February 5th, 2009 on 3:08 am
I miss you .. I know that has absolutely no relevance to your post but I just haven’t spoke to you in a really long time and I’d like to talk to you again. So would you email me if anything, I’d definitely like to have a few words if you can muster up the time :)
February 5th, 2009 on 6:10 am
Anthamarie:
Yep, Daniel’s an asshole!
February 5th, 2009 on 9:46 pm
Ozbro:
Motion carried.
In all seriousness though apparently you can make a whole heap by being a professional beggar. You do realize you can sell the thing men do best so go choke your chicken and sell your man juice on Black Mark Ebay lol. Don’t stay poor Ben, but then again don’t get to rich either (of course I joke)!
February 6th, 2009 on 9:40 am
Daniel: It’s not giving money to a beggar so much as it is helping out a friend. Don’t think I’m under any illusions that he’d do the same for me, but what can I say. You don’t get to tell me what to do with my money.
February 6th, 2009 on 10:23 am
Sometimes you just need to suck it up and take the shitty job with a smile on your face. Make a few decent paychecks and get to where you need to go.
People helped you get where you are right now, you should probably show them it was worth it rather than giving up and heading back to Alabama. I only say this because I’m in a similar situation myself. Times are tough, but eventually you’ve got to hold your own.
That being said, I think you’re awesome and I hope things work out for the best.
February 6th, 2009 on 10:44 am
Go HOME Ben.
February 7th, 2009 on 3:15 am
Home is where you make it Ben, but sometimes you need to do the unspeakable and mooch off your parents. If you can manage to muster enough ambition to move to Cali to be an actor/writer/part-time genius than I know I can do the same (not enough yet for me apparently). I’ve taken a small step by acting in a locals short films (aspiring writer/director) and it’s going alright in that aspect.
Keep chillin’.
February 7th, 2009 on 4:07 am
You had me scared there for a moment, Big B, when ALL of your YouTube videos on your profile page vanished on Friday!
Luckily, I checked back again and lo and behold; all 34 videos were back, safe and sound.
Could you please bring back your favourites? I really like checking out videos that you think are worthy.
Thanks!
February 7th, 2009 on 11:01 am
You should aspire to become a hitman.
For as long as people will hate one another, the need for a good murder is always in demand.
February 8th, 2009 on 7:26 pm
Hey Jamin’, you’re going to be moving about two hours away from me.
You, the girlfriend (mine) and I should spend some time together.
I’ll buy you lunch and we’ll discuss matters of consequence! ;D
February 11th, 2009 on 10:23 am
Aww go on Ben, do it. At least it’s not tuna after all!
February 12th, 2009 on 3:29 pm
I don’t think he wants to, Anna. I’m crushed.
But the offer is always open if he changes his mind!
February 12th, 2009 on 10:36 pm
Just think of how AWESOME this tale would be if you came through it all without playing the victim, without ebegging?
You diminish yourself.
You took a chance, it didn’t pay off.
Blame yourself, dust yourself off, come back to play again.
Asking money from others when you are more than capable of caring for yourself is shameless. (especially in this economic climate)
February 13th, 2009 on 9:30 am
Ben, I second what OzBro said. If you could set up a P.O. box at your local post office I’ll send you a money order. It might not be as “generous” as OzBros , but it would be a little something. At least let you buy some mac & cheese. ;) Take care!
February 17th, 2009 on 2:50 am
Stop begging for money. It’s insulting to all of us who have the same fiscal issues, but no public avenue in which to whine and subsequently hold our hand out. Go on welfare if you need to. Or perhaps, you should do what the rest of us do, and FIND A JOB.
February 18th, 2009 on 9:21 pm
Sounds like you have 3 donators for sure Ben.
February 21st, 2009 on 12:12 pm
It’s been about 2 weeks and I can only conclude that
This boh3m3 is no more.
He has ceased to be.
He’s expired and gone to meet his maker.
He’s a stiff.
Bereft of life.
He rests in peace.
If you hadn’t nailed him to the perch he’d be pushing up the daisies.
His metabolic processes are now history.
He’s off the twig.
He’s kicked the bucket.
He’s shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible.
This is an ex-boh3m3.
February 21st, 2009 on 6:42 pm
Ah, the only sane and consistently articulate place on the interwebs.
By the way, I tried subbing to your feed burner and it spat out a garbled message in addition to the words “Unable to handle load”.
Just thought I’d let you know : ]
March 1st, 2009 on 11:18 pm
but seriously sugar peen, post a picture of the webby part between your toes or something so we know you’re alive
March 2nd, 2009 on 11:14 am
Look on the bright side… you’re not homeless yet!
(been there, done that, and guess what, they don’t even give out T-shirts!)
Keep pounding away, you’ll find the fit eventually (sometimes I think that’s what economic downturns are for!).
March 2nd, 2009 on 1:12 pm
its been a month and i know nothing about boh3m3 i cant go on with my life please boh3m3 tell me you still live
March 3rd, 2009 on 12:21 pm
Seriously, Ben. I’m worried you may have died in a car accident
March 3rd, 2009 on 11:35 pm
You’ve disa-ma-ppeared. I hope everything is okay.
March 4th, 2009 on 1:10 am
No, I’m alive. Just busy trying to find work
March 5th, 2009 on 12:38 pm
ah such a relief its like ive finally seen the ending to a disgusting cliffhanger
March 5th, 2009 on 6:30 pm
Back in Florida, yet?
March 10th, 2009 on 11:08 am
Hey Ben, it was so good to see you on Stickam last night! As I said, you’re looking really good. Hope to hear more from you soon.
On a related note, if you ever sing Annie songs at me again, I will anally violate you with your dad’s clock so that every quarter-hour when it sets your bowels a-tremblin’, YOU WILL BE REMINDED OF ME.
March 22nd, 2009 on 11:54 pm
Holy daggers Batman! lol
March 23rd, 2009 on 11:34 am
Do you plan to update us on your life any time soon?
March 27th, 2009 on 12:27 pm
Umm…..are you still alive?
Marco!
March 30th, 2009 on 6:24 am
Before you, I’d never heard anyone refer to virtuosity as “half assed”
April 3rd, 2009 on 1:54 am
Sucks to be without money and sucks to be without ways to earn money. Gotta love the recession *sighs*
April 4th, 2009 on 2:07 pm
The people that are crucifying him for asking for help are completely stupid. Sure, we all have the same money problems, but guess what, he’s proven himself as someone that has evolved as an artist and given to the internet a piece of that art (which is why you’re on his page in the first place). I’m pretty sure this gives him the dignified right of asking for a little help without people bringing out their boards and nails. He’s no different from a guitar player on the street that plays a tune with an open guitar case for donations. To us, he’s an entertainer, and entertainers deserve a little respect.
And also, for those that believe that someone is being a “pussy” for not sucking it up and taking up jobs to survive, you cannot be anymore ignorant. Have you ever considered how much more courageous they are than you by deciding to endure poverty and homelessness instead of giving themselves up to be a slave? It is you that needs to re-examine your life.
April 4th, 2009 on 4:35 pm
Hm, I might claim this blog for England again, I haven’t done that since November.
April 6th, 2009 on 10:21 am
i demand new boheme videos, stop this faggotry
April 6th, 2009 on 5:29 pm
FOR ENGLAND AND THE QUEEN! Hell yeah. *sticks flag in boh3m3.net again*
April 6th, 2009 on 8:46 pm
FOR THE REALM!!!
April 15th, 2009 on 12:56 pm
FOR THE HORDE!
April 24th, 2009 on 3:32 pm
FOR THE SAKE OF IT!
June 9th, 2009 on 2:25 pm
Dear David,
Spoken like a true loser. Yeah, it’s way better to cause yourself to become a loser and homeless then to actually put some real work and effort into your survival. People like you are the reason we have so many deadbeats on welfare because free money is much more appealing than self-respect to alot of you parasites. Working is not being a slave, it’s ensuring your ability to survive. If you clench your butt cheeks hard enough you just might be able to pop your head out of your ass,but I doubt it.