Hey kids!

Ugh… I feel like some kind of mad uncle that steps in and out of your lives. “Ole Uncle Boh3m3, always ranting about one thing or another and then disappearing into the ether for weeks on end. What a coot!”

I’m not going to lie to you and say I was having some sort of religious experience, nor play on your sympathies by faking a family emergency. I’m not going to claim illness of any kind or even distraction via relationship. I’m going to say it flat out.

Lego. Indiana. Jones.

I was completely hermetic for about 3 days after I installed this game. I came out (after I had achieved 100%) looking something like a cave salamander with chest hair and a goofy smile.

Without a mention of the nasty “nuke the fridge” Indy4, the game centers around a clean, family friendly lego version where you get to play scenes from all three original movies.

I feel so dirty, having now officially wrote “clean, family friendly” and really meaning it.

Being the geek that I am,  I had to get ahold of it. If you have Indy fevah, it’s a good buy for sure.

Then I proceeded to work as a “Pedestrian” extra on The Fast and the Furious 4 for two days. This being a night call in downtown LA, all of us catty extras ended up huddling into little tribes of smokers and non-smokers chattering and laughing. It was like a hobo version of woodstock, with iPods instead of a stage and desperate pseudo-actors instead of hippies.

Of all the extras I asked, one question reigned above all others: “Why the FUCK are they doing another one of these damn films!”

In close second was a slightly less picked up ramble: “Man Paul Walkers a dick! I wouldn’t piss in his mouth if his throat was on fire!” It did, however, get more laughs than the previous and brought into question why that extra involved Paul Walker, dick, and urinating into a mouth in the same breath.

But other than that there have been few new developments. More distractions than anything else, but I shall be back soon.

Can I get some tits on the Tube please? No, seriously I’m so sick and tired of youtube videos nowadays. I think what the site needs, above all else, is those bags of fat on the front side of women. Those frequently overlooked appendages of the female anatomy just NEED to be injected, artificially if necessary, into EVERY video humanly possible.

Have you looked at the most viewed page? Nothing but dudes. Just a big ‘ole sausage-fest of guys spewing out intellectual crap that has more basis in a classroom (bo-ring) and not showing us our much desired chick parts. I don’t want to hear thought-provoking monologues by experts in the field, dammit! I want CLEAVAGE!

I mean, how hard is it to get some flesh up there?! Since we all know porn is hosted on youtube, would it be such a stretch to get at least some “B” cups on that list? We all know that the internet doesn’t have any real resources for porn, which is why the brunt of us search youtube. Thank god for those intrepid individuals who use tags like “xxx” “sex” and “porn” on their videos. Good job, fellas.

But why aren’t these videos being shown as viewed the most? It seems a conspiracy is brewing to keep knockers away from the eyes of the average viewer. “Exploitation”, they call it. BAH! I’m a MAN and I want some GODDAMN TITS!

This message brought to you by the Sarcastic Bastard Coalition of Southern California (SBCSC). Noogins.

Tags: cleavage, tits, youtube

     Every time I hear about the next big breakthrough in graphics or special effects I have this kneejerk reflex that makes me immediately vomit blood for five to seven minutes after. After the incident at E3 some years back, EA Games doesn’t invite me to their annual “Booze-and-Bragfest” cocktail mixers.

     For as long as I can remember the movie, television, and video game industries have been “Keeping up with the Joneses” in the realm of delivering a better image of a mousetrap. As Magritte would say, “Ceci n’est pas une Holodeck.”

     My main gripe with this industrial game of leapfrog is that we, the little people, tend to get jumped over faster than the next in line. It’s a regular complaint of mine that you can’t buy toilet paper without a better version coming out 4 days later. You are wiping your ass with Quilted v1.5.255d. Upgrade now?

     Perhaps it’s me showing my age or my plutonium-grade retroslutism, but I would be thrilled if they went back and really explored the limits of the Sega Genesis. Pixel graphics have so much charm and possibility that I think in the race to the DreamCast it was greatly overlooked. Of course eventually the industry would have had to move forward, but with the speed of technology going obsolete, it’s like buying a ham sandwich that tastes like shit two bites in.

     I realize that there’s not a chance that this sort of thing would happen, of course. I guess I’m fulfilling my duty by supplying the retro elitism that is asked for by the Great Sphincter of the Cosmos.

A Prayer to the Great Sphincter of the Cosmos

          _{by boh3m3}

Oh Sphincter, Great Sphincter!
Mighty Clenching Colonmuscle of the Cosmos!
Bless us with your gasseous inspiration,
And lead us not to the creative constipation
that comes when we eat too much Everyday Cheese!
Amen!

Evey: Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what, and what I am is a man in a mask.

     It’s a strange day in your life when you realize that in some respect everyone you meet is wearing a mask that covers their true nature. I’m speaking figuratively of course, although the idea of Halloween year round would make the bar scene more entertaining.

     In the world we live in, projecting something to the world that isn’t your true self is less an act of avoidance and more a survival trait. It’s not hard to believe that if you show your whole being to whomever should look you will invite the vicious to strike at the soft spot of your emotional armor.

     It’s for that reason that we develop a shell persona. We sculpt the mask we want people to see from the clay of our life experiences with the tools of our deductive reasoning. We want so-and-so to think that we aren’t unusual, so we conform to trends in personal grooming and style to fit in with the herd. An awkward wolf in sophisticated sheep’s clothing.

     But is it completely beneficial to disguise yourself so well? To hide your nature and in so doing hide your true purposes? It stands to reason that anyone who either finds benefit in your mask or puts in enough time getting to know you will start to notice the cracks in your façade.

     Sooner or later the mask must come off. The question that keeps digging into my side is given that inevitable result, is it worth it to hide your nature in the first place?

     Showing people what you want them to see gives them a more palatable transition to seeing your true self and perhaps opens up possibilities for interactions with people who might otherwise be put off by who you really are. But again, that’s not guaranteed.

     Is it better to reveal the unrestrained truth of your nature and persona, or introduce it over time with strategic lies and omissions? Little white lies in the form of jewelry you can’t afford and mannerisms you see appropriate for the occasion.

     Which is the better path?

Tags: masks, philosophy, sociology