1. League Of Legends

Heimerdinger will make you his little robotic bitch

This is hands-down the biggest time waster on my hands nowadays. Originally started as a Warcraft 3 mod called “Defense of the Ancients (DOTA)”, League of Legends is a top-down RPG-like champion based RTS. I think. Ish.

How ever you try to describe it, it is easily the best free multi-player experience I’ve had. The champion selections are plentiful and well fleshed out and the strategies unique and stimulating. Sometimes the community can be a bit… dickish, but that’s a risk one takes when dealing with any multi-player game.

If I were to try and figure a gripe I have with this game, it would have to be the lack of maps to play on. At the time of this writing, there are only two to choose from (a 3v3 map and a 5v5 map).

I can’t tell you how much time I’ve wasted away playing as Heimerdinger or Jax in matchups. I CAN say that I’ve played 148 matches… and lost 72 of them. Not that bad, I suppose. If I can maintain a 1:1 ratio I can’t get too mad at myself.

2. Transmetropolitan

Image is property of Aeryael (via aeryael.deviantart.com)

With the notable exception of Hunter S. Thompson’s Raul Duke, the realm of journalism is lacking in off-the-hinges-batshit-insane characters you can admire. Transmetropolitan, however, has graced us with Spider Jerusalem. The world seems better for it.

The story itself takes place in a dystopian future chock full of Bowel Disrupters, transient half-alien humanoids, and more drugs than Spider can get his grubby veins full of. The story is well written, the art quality superb and the detail is sometimes overwhelming.

I was a bit late in the game to pick this comic up, but the name Warren Ellis sounded familiar. After a quick search, I found out he is also the writer of the steampunk comic FreakAngels (of which I am also a fan). Clearly this man is out to make me go gay for him.

I can only hold out for so long.

3. My Nikon d40

This would have been my #1 if I had actually been holding it this very moment. When I moved from California, debris of a failed life in my wake, I somehow lost my d40, as well as whatever images were on the sd card. Whether it was honestly left behind by me, or stolen by the sketchy Mexicans who came over to a last-minute rummage sale through my apartment I will never know. What I do know is the gut-wrenching realization that I had lost a then-$700 camera that had immense sentimental value to me.

A year and a half passes. One day my father asks me to digitize our entire family photo album. I grin through a swirl of cigarette smoke and say “On two conditions.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?”

“One, you give me that old pair of headphones in the garage you aren’t using.” (nod) “And you get me a d40 for my birthday… or at least strongly consider it.”

“We’ll see.”

Now at least I know for sure that I’m getting the camera on the 26th. Not exactly my birthday, but hey it works. And you can bet your ass I’ll be photographing as much of this cruddy little city as I can.

4. Verizon Droid ERIS

Sexyness

For the longest time, I sneered at the idea of the iPhone. One giant screen, prone to getting greasy fingerprints and cracks from slight drops. My Blackberry Pearl would weather the toughest conditions and (more or less) retain functionality.

Then I walked into a Verizon store. I wouldn’t have done it if the T Mobile service in my area wasn’t so goddamn awful that I needed a cloudless day on a hill to listen to my voicemail. I started messing around with the ERIS and felt a strange tingle in my nethers.

“Buy” they said. My testicles rarely ever talk to me (out of some personal grudge I think), so when they do communicate, I typically listen. I broke my contract with T Mobile, dropped the 80 bucks on this baby and commenced the obligatory downloading of useless apps to entertain my chimpanzee attention span.

The only real drawbacks to it are the obligatory data plan (an extra 30 a month-ish) and the lack of a file manager. For the most part though it’s quite lovely. Fills the empty time at work with videos of cats eating boogers and Silence of the Lambs songs.

5. Dual Monitors

There’s something wonderful about having two awesome wide screen monitors on a good gaming rig. While I’m playing Minecraft, I can set up Winamp or watch a flick on the side to keep my attention while smelting/mining a big haul.

Though, to be honest, I’m not using it to it’s full potential. Soon I hope to have ZBrush tutorials playing while I follow along… My free time, however, is about to go completely out the window with work.

Other than that, things are same old same old. Pastor Shepherd is going to the New York International Latino Film Festival (YArly) and I’m still working at the bowling alley (ahem… “bowling center”). I’m working on a new original script I hope to sell and generally piecing my life back together. Made lots of progress.

Till next time!

Some pics from multiplayer creative mode! Images are pulled from the Minecraft Museum http://cubicworlds.net/museum/gallery.php

Instead I’ve moved down to Florida, got a job flipping dough at a local pizza place and generally wallowed about just how fucked up I allowed my finances to get. From what I see on the news, it’s nice to know I finally have something in common with the rest of America.

The move itself was a bite in the ass, spending 2 days and 15 hours on a Greyhound bus. I can’t properly describe the feeling of hopeless paranoia and general malaise from that trip… but I’ll give it a shot:

It was as if I was on family vacation to Los Angeles and got lost, only to be picked up by a cadre of ripe gypsies that forced me to pay $200 for the privilege of sitting near their festering, jabbering kin with rest stops at increments just long enough in between to start falling asleep without the satisfaction of a cat nap.

For the first 12 hours or so, I sat next to a man with the eyes of an entry-level serial killer who had a small stockpile of energy drinks in his carry-on. I found no respite in stepping out for a smoke break, since he was more than pleased to follow me off the bus and continue his conversational rape of my attention.

Topics of note with Captain Kill-Em-All
1. How he used to electrocute himself in the morning while he was in construction, and was thus weaned from coffee (also makes zap noise every time “electricity” or related word is said for comedic value).
2. His impressive collection of cell phones and ring tones.
3. The many ways in which he is going to fix the government, after he scores some more pills.
4. “Some day, man… some day I’m gonna get to fuck Chelsea Clinton.”

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

It was from this energetic and thoroughly unsettling passenger that I learned the most important rule of riding the snake Greyhound: keep your fucking mouth shut. From what I can tell it seems like company policy as well, since there were two gentlemen who almost were left in Arizona for cussing.

That’s right: profanity apparently will get you thrown off a Greyhound bus. Apparently in the most miserable traveling conditions with generally maladjusted passengers crammed into a confined space saying FUCK or SHIT is enough to get you stranded in some godforsaken bus stop. My tongue still has scars from biting back four letter words.

But after finally arriving in Florida and getting to my dad’s place I was greeted with another spicy surprise:

“Wait… where the fuck is my camera?”

My $700 Nikon d40, the love of my photographic life, was either swiped by my landlords, the shady couple that bought a bunch of my stuff from the apartment just before left, or otherwise lost to the ethereal dimension with spare socks.

Suffice it to say I am a little fucking pissed at the powers that be. It’s like I’ve been punched in the sack by fate itself. I’m not alleviating any of my own personal blame in this, but as anyone who is trying to find work right now knows: it’s more fun to shake your fist at the sky than stare into a mirror and scream.

Now I’m left with no car, a fuckton of debt, and a video camera that can’t record to tape for a webcam. To top it all off, this whole situation has bummed me out to where I don’t even feel like recording or animating.

I’m down again, but not out. Just bear with me, as always. I’ll try and get my head straight, but no promises on that happening soon.

Before this starts, please know that I am, yet again, more than flat broke. I need your help to pick my stupid ass up again out of the financial grave I giggled myself into. Please consider a donation, because this silliness is just too much fun to be brought down by money. ¹

My story is pretty obvious to most people visiting this site, but for anyone happening by here are the cliff notes:
1.) I make tons of mistakes, because I like to learn the hard way. Gives me the stubbornness of an old man at the age of 23.
2.) I state the obvious mainly to find out if I’m the only red-assed baboon laughing at the world trying to “cover their assets”.
3.) I try to find the common denominator between many things in order to understand the whole for the sum of its parts.
4.) I really suck with money.

Let’s start with June of 2008: a magical time where the recession had already started it’s party, yet the whole world was still looking for the recipe to their famous “Oh fuck let’s all panic” artichoke dip. The air was artificially sweetened with Splenda-Fart dreams and the tap water was accidentally enhanced with prescription pollution residue.

I was working as an extra, meaning a metaphorical prostitute for sexually frustrated sadomasochistic cheapskates. I came, I saw, I fake-walked the walk and fake-talked the talk, leaving the sets sweaty and used up. My only regret is not bringing a dresser for them to leave cash on, as opposed to waiting 2-5 weeks for checks.

Supposedly, the writer strike hurt all production to around half of what it was before². Since it was difficult to keep myself fat,  Waiter-hood was calling me back to be a servant of a different hue.

For 5 months, I scrambled around Torrance, applying at every restaurant I could find. At every one, save for the Olive Garden, I was told positions were full and they would hold my application. Something I find hilarious in retrospect, since in a recession most restaurants can’t even hold  their customers.

The Olive Garden was/is a special place, in that I had to spend a cumulative 8 hours spread over the course of a month to not get hired. I suppose the insight I received there is: no manager really has a clue what the others are doing. Servers really are the cogs in a broken clock from corporate hell. God save the Queen, Hail to the Chief, and let my people GO!

I found odd jobs here and there, one of note in South Central LA. For a few days, I put together computers for Locke High School in Watts ³. I was asked to help the students log in with unique IDs, a task which was made more difficult by the teachers.

The “lead” teacher was an overinflated, yellow-flannel-wearing hot-tempered man who looked like Humpty Dumpty after all the king’s horses were made into glue for all the king’s men. He had beady, frightened eyes and fingers resembling his favorite sausages. On more than one occasion, I considered popping mustard packets on his desk to find out if he would eat himself in confusion.

There was also the older female teacher that had many cats, but few coping mechanisms for the world she was living in. Clinging to the past and weakly smiling at the youth she once had, occasionally teaching things such as how to click a mouse or how to look for the school’s new Harry Potter books.

The students were loud, funny, and much more interesting. I showed them how to log in, gave them quick answers to easy test questions, and earned $20 bucks an hour. They told me not to smoke, I told them not to be the teachers they didn’t listen to. I compared tattoos with one or two of them and generally laughed my ass off at the teachers reeling in the chaos of students actually learning without them.

But it was a short one-time gig, and I found myself in need of that elusive bitch known as “steady employment.” Help from relatives in bits and pieces paid some bills, and I could buy little things from a steady stream of perhaps 40-50 bucks a month from internet videos posted on a site of unspeakable evil. Be it known to you by the bloody bandage flag it flies to attract the YOUth away from the picture TUBE.

So I bit the bullet and signed up for unemployment. It was my first time, and they were surprisingly gentle. I then proceeded to get pissed at myself for not signing up much earlier, a realization made more vivid by the end of the first check’s cycle.

After nearly 6 months of struggle and depression, within the two weeks of being eligible for unemployment benefits, I found a job at Ralphs near the South Bay Galleria.

That job lasted one frustrating week of miscommunication and managerial arrogance combined with my own stupid mistakes. I have nothing but pity for the workers there. They, like us all, deal with lazy puds infecting their workplace with rules and regulations made out of fear and stupidity, discarded when it benefits them most. It’s a democratic rat race where the only thing people decide is who to trip next.

Squeak squeak, I’m back to not having a reliable cheese track to run on.

Stay tuned for more! Bitch and whine about donations in the comments section!

I’m also on the verge of seeing my phone being shut off, and with the landlord disconnecting our end of the internet connection, my chances and means of communication are getting stranger by the minute. I’m doing my best to put this all down for some blog posts, but video is nix for a while.

This is real, and it is really hilarious to me, but for now I need to survive. Please donate if you can, because food and communication with the world is important.

The bitch of it all is I don’t even have a guaranteed means to log in and transfer ANY donations if anything arrives.

Don’t think that because some “internet celebrities” have cash to burn, everyone on that site is wiping their asses with iPhones. I’ll tell this story soon and well, but it’s hard to do this stuff with impending chaos.

Your truly Bohemian dancing baboon,
 Ben

I made this to remind me of the intense beauty and variety of the world, as well as the concept of time. No drugs, no alcohol, lotsa bullshit.

Click the images for Flickr pages and download

"Distracted", a photomanip wallpaper by boh3m3

Detail of the skull

FULL SIZE

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

]]> http://www.boh3m3.net/2009/01/05/distracted/feed/ 25 http://www.boh3m3.net/2009/01/02/internet-rich/ http://www.boh3m3.net/2009/01/02/internet-rich/#comments Sat, 03 Jan 2009 03:57:08 +0000 boh3m3 http://www.boh3m3.net/?p=1087 [...]]]> Ladies and gentlemen!

What you don’t want to hear me talk about or read me writing about is here for you to see in photo form instead.

I am internet rich.
Which means I earn jack shit.

Here’s hoping I find some way of earning money, since being a new homeless person in Los Angeles might be a tougher industry than the internet could ever be.

I am posting his message as well as my two responses here for your own enjoyment.

(NOTE! This crap is extremely long. Look in the footnotes for TLDRs)

Edit (20:35): NOW INTRODUCING TREVOOOOOOOOOOOOR!!!!! YAAAAY!

Greg Solomon, man of integrity and passion. (Click and make me big, baby)

This is what I responded with (OMGZ in b4 copypasta instead of pic, verify through GregSolomon)²

Greg,

I see where you are coming from and what you think has happened. I see that. But you are working without all of the information available. “Das Economista”? That was posted 7 days ago before you ever made a video about me. Proof: http://www.vimeo.com/2468991

I understand that you feel you spurred me to action, and in a way you did. I was planning on making parodies of youtubers long before you came along, which is verifiable from a few sources (Cory Mr Safety, Danny Diamond). You simply became my first target.

For that I thank you.

I hope you do not take it as too mean spirited, although there was a tint of personal butt-hurtery there that I’m only recently shedding. For me, it was a fun video to make and I had a great time observing your mannerisms and writing what I think is an effective parody of your persona.

So I have to apologize Greg in that I don’t feel you are responsible for anything more than the parody video, which I have linked to your video for promoting your work as a reference to mine. I can’t advise people that are interested in my videos to go to yours, because (and I mean this objectively) I don’t see you as an interesting performer. You have intellect and you obviously can write, but until you reign in your persona and stop locking yourself to branding rules your “shtick” will become your cage.

I know you didn’t ask for my notes, but I feel I can help. Disregard this if it doesn’t interest you. You pacing is good, but it is overdone. You need to vary your tonality, pace, and hand gestures to more accurately convey your internal dialogue. I see snippets of the person you are under this act, and if you are not trying to be a character you need to be yourself. Don’t be afraid to show controlled emotion to illustrate your opinions on the topic at hand nonverbally.

A UCLA study listed in this article (http://humanresources.about.com/od/interpersonalcommunicatio1/a/nonverbal_com.htm) states that they found up to 93% of communication can be nonverbal; which includes body language, tonality, and your choice of words being the last potential 7%. Findings by John Grinder and Richard Bandler’s studies on nonverbal communication have similar findings, but a less weighted percentage on body language.

I know you are a studious man, and if you would let me I would offer whatever help I can provide to see you succeed. I simply wish you would see me for the person I am instead of the person I misrepresented myself as for a year and a half. I was an ass. I lied, I begged, I was going after the money and it nearly killed me.

But I have my groove back now, and I’ll do whatever it takes to stay happy, creative, and stimulated.

I hope you understand. Please let me know if you need clarification on anything. I’ve tried to be as precise as possible.

Regards,
 Ben/boh3m3

And I shortly followed that with this message
 ³

And Greg, I also have to apologize in advance, but I feel the need to post your message on my website.

I know you are a good person, but your motivations have gone sour. I want to teach you the lesson you have tried to teach me, and I can think of no better way.

Take it from my experience that this will help you if you are strong enough to handle it. This will not be easy, but if you persevere and embrace transparency you will be a better person for it.

If you should have a problem with me posting this message on my website, please contact me and I will help you.

I swear to you there is not more than the tiniest tinge of personal reasons behind this. They are not nonexistent, but my motivations here are at least 95% for your benefit.

So again, I apologize for what I am about to do.

I doubt you would send someone you have criticized for years anything you wouldn’t want opened in public, so I feel your confidence in sending this message is a conscious choice you made of your own free will and without instigation by myself.

Hope to talk to you soon,
 Ben/boh3m3

19:23 Pacific-ish: GREG RESPONDS! LARGE MESSAGE WARNING⁴

“Greg, I see where you are coming from and what you think has happened.”

Ben, not what I “think” has happened…what I “know” has happened.
Your “Re: BoSceme” video, which you spring-boarded off of my video, has now received (in one day) more views than your “Peach Fuzz” video that you posted 3 days ago, and it almost has as many views as your “Drain-O” and “Setting Up A Shot” videos that you posted one week ago and one month ago respectively.
All that in one day Ben.
You have well over 40 thousand subscribers. I should think that videos you uploaded one week ago and one month ago would have many thousands more views than a video that you just uploaded yesterday, but such is not the case.
The proof of the pudding is in the eating.⁵
___________________________________________________________________
“…there was a tint of personal butt-hurtery there that I’m only recently shedding.”
That’s quite understandable Ben.
When I bust a man’s chops, he usually remains smarting for quite a while afterwards.⁶
_________________________________________________________________
“You pacing is good, but it is overdone. You need to vary your tonality, pace, and hand gestures to more accurately convey your internal dialogue…etc, etc.”
Ben, suffice it to say here, psychology is not your strong suit.⁷
_________________________________________________________________
“I simply wish you would see me for the person I am…”
You obviously inferred from my video that I have something personal against you…such is not the case.
I have no hard feelings against you or dislike for you, and in fact wish you all the best.
Certainly you must have got an inkling concerning the tenor of my video when I inserted the teeth in my mouth?
I believe I even complimented you a couple of years ago as showing maturity beyond your years for your measured response to my “chop busting” video then…remember? ⁸

Regards,
 -Greg

OMG MOAR! RESPONSE TO APOLOGY MESSAGE! DRAMA DRAMA EATITUPYUMYUM! ⁹

“And Greg, I also have to apologize in advance, but I feel the need to post your message on my website.”
I knew you would feel that need when I sent you the message. It’s analogous to a “card force” in magic.
___________________________________________________________________
“I know you are a good person, but your motivations have gone sour.”
You’ve got a hole in your glove Ben…you’re missing the high ones.¹⁰
___________________________________________________________________
“I doubt you would send someone you have criticized for years anything you wouldn’t want opened in public.”
Actually Ben, I never write -anything- in an email or internet message that I would not expect at some point to possibly be displayed by someone on a public medium…because I realize the motives and intentions of some persons can be ulterior and self serving.¹¹
Just a good dose of healthy cynicism on my part.

Regards,
 -Greg

AND NOW ITS TIME FOR BACKWARDS DETECTIVE WORK WITH TREVOR THE OBSESSED!¹²

THE CONCLUSION!

The CONFLICT!

The INTRODUCTION!

EDIT: 12/16/08 15:14 PM Pacific time! I’m done with this shit!

The Saga of Trevor, Episode 1! Say this with me, Trevor: 'I are the Demons'

MERRY CHRISTMAS MOVIE HOUSE!!!

This is only temporary and the site should be back as soon as I finish tweaking the code (which is right now)

Thanks!

Edit:  In the mean-time, there’s a new post about Greg Solomon Drama! Honestly, don’t think I’ll waste any more time on the fellow… this was just a blast. I’ll do my best to keep from making it all I do, but trolling is fun… Just make sure you know it’s an act. I’m not taking this stuff seriously.

A Gravatar is a globally recognized avatar binded to your email address, so that on whatever blog you visit (that uses Gravatars, of course) your uploaded avatar will be displayed wherever your email is used to comment.

It is a free service, recently bought out by WordPress. If you would like to sign up for one, head to http://en.gravatar.com/ and go through the motions.

I’m off for a brandy.

Jeeprs, Mr B!

The Amercian economy is tanking faster than Mr. Belding in a room full of showgirls. Millions of jobs lost, banks getting the taxpayer’s money (yet again), and FDR is laughing sadly in his grave. I, being the upright and proactive citizen, decided to do nothing about it aside from make a video saying random crap as if I know the first thing about economics.

That Gol-durned Kid Rock Video

So remember my post on the Exotic Erotic Ball? The one with Ancilla? Turns out she’s nominated for Holland’s Sexiest Vegetarian! After catching up a bit, she put this in her email:

Did you vote for me yet as Hollands sexiest veggie? :-D Please do, it’s important to me and I’m 300 votes behind! It’s in Dutch but that shouldn’t stop ya ;-) http://www.wakkerdier.nl/sexyvegetarier/vrouwen.php (click on “stem” underneath my name, and fill in your email. Done!)

So I’d like you all to help out my friend Ancilla if you believe, as I do, that she truly is the sexiest vegetarian in all of Holland. The box under the email spot is if you want to keep up with the “election” by the mailing list, so it’s not necessary.

Here’s a few more photos if you really think you need convincing

Aside from my road trip here to Los Angeles, my map has no discernible edges. The world feels huge, but out of reach. I feel like my credit card debt is the rock my Prometheus is chained to, and I’m tired of that fucking Eagle.

How much can one really know about the world through books and video? The world is not two-dimensional, but most people lose sight of that through mass media. Although the dissemination of information is a wondrous thing indeed, it’s drawbacks are almost as powerful.

The mystery, the sense of discovery is almost lost with endless travel books and articles. For most people, travel is an economic adventure, not a spiritual one. Oh how exciting, Merv! We get to avoid bills for a few days in some spot outside our bubble! I’m so excited I brought traveler’s checks!

I long to live out of a backpack, changing currencies like underwear and stacking up memories like Legos. I want to meet people in countries around the world and swap stories over local brew in local style.

In short, I want to walk the Earth and see just what the hell I’ve been missing.

So I’m putting together a plan to wipe out my debt [which is rather small], save up some travel money and get my ass the hell out of Los Angeles. I’m hoping to see all the continents, with Australia saved for last. I figure by the time I get all the others covered, maybe the Aussies will have forgotten the Vegemite Wars that never happened.

I’ll need to buy a cheap laptop that can hold lots of photos and access the internet. Probably an old ThinkPad; from what I’ve seen those can survive a nuclear holocaust.

Hopefully within the next two years I’ll have enough to throw my stuff in storage (or pay rent while I’m gone) and spend a few weeks in each area.

With any luck, I’ll be able to couch-surf my way through a few countries (though I don’t really know anyone abroad, save a few here and there), see the world and have some nifty photographs and stories to tell.

So that being said… who else feels the wanderlust?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

For your consideration: my Writer Shrine

Someone asked me in the most recent live chat how to go about writing a script. They asked what kind of software to use and for a tutorial.

I gave him a brief run-down in the chat, but I’d like to give a more elaborate explanation here.

Simply put: just write.

In a world full of plasticine technocrap, it isn’t hard to think that if you have the right program for the job the rest will come naturally.

Ha Ha.

Writing is one of the oldest forms of expression man has utilized, and it takes no more than something to write on and something to write with. Words written on toilet paper with a concoction of feces and soot is just as valid as writing carved into the side of a mountain in forty-foot letters¹. The meaning of the words should trump the medium it’s written on, not the other way around.

I find the real challenge is not locating tools to record your thoughts, but organizing your thoughts to work with your tools. It’s been said by some authors that the blank page is one of the most terrifying things they have ever come across. Anyone who has tried to write a story from scratch will understand all too well.

Yet the basic nature of writing is a truly miraculous and wonderful thing: the availability of writing instruments and paper is such that anyone can begin writing whatever they like, whenever they choose to start.

A good writer is seldom born. Like the painter, the singer and the actor, a writer must practice and hone their craft. Some would say it takes years for a writer to come to fruition and find their own voice on the page; to them I extend my longest finger, as they never take into account how much writing is being done in those years.

That being said, the best advice I can give (other than to practice) would be to read. Read fiction, nonfiction, blog posts, newspaper articles, slashfic… whatever catches your eye. This will expose you to the versatility in writing styles and voices, allowing you to get a better understanding of how to sculpt your own. Be wary, though, as it’s the fault of many people to mimic their favorite authors in lieu of writing with their own words.²

Then once you have your voice³, or perhaps while you are finding it, you should study the dynamics of Story. There’s a fantastically thick book with an incredibly unimaginative title called STORY by Robert McKee that details characterization, plot arc, scene dynamics and pitfalls to avoid when attempting to tell a story well. Entire college courses are taught around this book, and it is not to be underestimated.

After you grasp your particular style and understand just what it takes to make a story work, all you need to do is learn the small guidelines of writing a script. Most of these guidelines can be gleaned by simply reading scripts of movies you know well. Each page of a script is meant to play out as a minute of on-screen time, and everything else is just formatting.

Here’s hoping you write scripts 90x better than Hollywood will ever buy or produce, and that instead of dining on the finest things money can buy, you sup on your creative juices with your muse as a dinner guest.

¹: Although let’s face it: the carving will certainly last longer, not to mention the affect poopscrawl on toilet paper might have on your Creative Writing 101 grade.
²: A sin I am guilty of lately as well…
³: Which will take a while, just so you know.

Video after the jump.

Another year has passed with another Thanksgiving to stretch our belts, and with the looming weekend comes that holiday unique to Americans: Black Friday.

For those of you not in the know, Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving that marks the official “start” of the Christmas shopping season. Stores across the nation advertise deals on everything from televisions to argyle socks in an attempt to start the materialist masses drooling with desire.

And oh, how they drool!

Regardless of your city’s size, if so much as a Best Buy or Wal-Mart is within 10 miles you can be sure there will be a line stretching around the store come opening hour. Electronics stores are the bulls-eye for Black Friday shoppers, and there is a recent history of tramplings that seems to be destined for tradition.

Consider the videos below.

See how they run? Take a close look at just who is running into these stores. Look into their eyes as best you can through the crummy quality of the camera. Read between the lines.

Addicts.

Oh, sure! They just want a good deal. It’s not an addiction that will do any harm, right? Look at the way they bust through the door; the frenzied scampering through the aisles as they search for that once-a-year deal.

The people hip-checked to the side by their more ruthless consumer brethren. How many grandmas were trampled by the herd last year? How many unsuspecting geriatrics will accidentally suicide-by-bargain-hunting this year?

This is America’s Law of the Jungle: Survival of the Richest, Pecking Order of the Credit Score, Stealer of the Deal, First Class Financial Finger-banger.

What have we to gain by such rampant frenzied materialism? Every year we are reminded anew that this country is driven not by what you create, but what you buy. At this point, people don’t identify each other based on personality; today, it’s what you spend on rather than what you spend time on.

That’s Suzy Versace; Herald of the iPhone.

There goes Jimmy D&G, Keeper of the MacBook Pro.

Check out the ass on Michelle Abercrombie… god I’d love to get ahold of her black American Express.

Every year, millions pour millions into the machine, hoping to get a shiny new bauble to fill the gaping hole in their hearts. Here’s hoping this year you instead spend the hours you would have spent waiting in line with the people you love making memories money cannot buy.

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Are YOU one of the lucky unemployed choking down macaroni and cheese with tuna? Well, we here at boh3m3.net have the perfect survival guide for living on the cheap. Won’t you join us in frolicking through the fundless fjords of frugality?

Food

Food is the basis of all life on this planet. Without food we die; and if we die, who will be around to talk to those lonely credit card companies?

So in the interest of feeding the beast before yourself, here are some tips on eating well without spending much cash.

1.) Gruel

This is not gruel, this is oatmeal. Gruel is worse.

Many people don’t know this, but gruel is actually edible! I mean, if thousands upon thousands in Africa subsist on this stuff, it’s just GOTTA be the bee’s knees for us here at home.

Keep an eye out for UN trucks going to other exotic foreign lands with food and supplies while you lay starving on the street. If it makes you feel any better, try the old “I’m pulling on the horn wire” motion to see if they will honk and verify your existence.

2.) MRE’s (Meal, Ready to Eat)

Ah, Uncle Sam’s version of Werther’s butterscotch candies. These dried out food packets come with yummy-yummy protein, carbohydrates, and even a nifty little heating device that needs only a splash of water to get warm. They even come with a cute little bottle of Tabasco and some chicklets!

Of course, if you aren’t killing for your old Uncle Sam, be ready to shell out some of those PADs (Presidents, Already Dead). We found a site selling a MRE basic food and water supply for three days for $33.49. That’s $11/day, for those of you playing at home. Of course technically speaking each package is labeled with:

U.S. Government Property
Commercial Resale is Unlawful

But since there isn’t a law passed yet making it unlawful to sell these items, you can rest assured that if you have the money, you can eat the science your tax dollars already paid for!

Till they make it illegal to buy and sell, that is :D¹

3.) Food Stamps

Get more poor, or produce more babies.

YAY! The government is going to help you out with some of those pretty pretty food stamps! Nowadays you use an electronic card instead of paper stamps, so you can still get that feeling of hopeless depression associated from losing all your money to credit card companies and the government!

These are used in lieu of cash to buy breads and cereals, fruits, meats and dairy products. However, you cannot use the benefits to buy soap, toilet paper or toothpaste as they are not food and they will not pay to keep you clean. For that, you’ll need welfare checks, you dirty peasant!

Of course, you need to have a household that has a net income of 100% or less of the Federal poverty guidelines [which is $1,467/month for a household of three] and a gross monthly income of 130% or less of the Federal poverty guidelines [which is $1,907/month for a household of three].

Keep in mind while your stomach is rumbling that these guidelines are for your protection, and were made by well-fed politicians who don’t read nearly as much as they sign and have never had to actually live on these programs themselves.

4.) Local wildlife

Kill the beast! Eat it

If you’re fortunate enough to live in the great cities of Los Angeles or New York, you know that pigeons and seagulls are about as plentiful as pop stars [though at least the pigeons have substance]. When at the last leg of your life, you could aim for the naturally occurring beasties proliferating your neighborhood!

Well you could, if there weren’t well thought-out laws made for your protection restricting the killing of local wildlife.

See, you need to understand that even though you are starving to death and that a bit of pigeon meat would help you last long enough to kill another, it’s just not good for society to let you murder those cute little cooing shit-droppers. I mean, what would the neighbors think? Poor people everywhere, chasing down those helpless little animals you bought the $500 birdbath for.

No, your best bet is to find one that’s dead already to keep your conscience clear and your body out of prison. The streets are sometimes generous enough to give you a dead carcass or two, if you know where to look.

Of course, there is also the fact that these animals have been eating human waste for their entire lives and are in worse shape than you… but that shouldn’t matter now. Consider the bits of aluminum and plastic soda-can-holders in their bellies as a perk that you can recycle for a few pennies. Their meat might be a bit tangy, but that’s to be expected from inhaling copious amounts of smog and exhaust for days on end while avoiding ledges covered in metal spikes or broken glass.

Well that’s it for this chapter on surviving an Economic “Downturn.” Stay tuned for more tips on surviving this burgeoning crisis here on boh3m3.net!

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¹: A smiley! Those are free too, and might make you forget just how empty your stomach is due to blood-sucking credit card companies!

Video after the jump.