Dear Fly
by boh3m3 on Sep.25, 2008, under Dear World
Greg, showing us with his eyes how engaging an insect model really is.
Dear Fly,
Hey there! I couldn’t help but notice you buzzing around in my kitchen. Have you been there long?
My name’s Ben. I live here, and have for the past year and a half. If it weren’t for your short lifespan, I might have considered you a good roommate for how quiet you’ve been.
Do you have a name? Is it OK if I call you “Greg”? I hope so.
Greg, you’re not looking well. I’ve seen more than a few flies in my life and they all have had two wings. I admire your avante garde take on biological development, but it just won’t fly.
Or did you lose it in an accident? Perhaps you were scaling the grand PizzaBox towers and took a nasty fall, snagging your delicate wing on the cardboard in your sickening drop. I imagine you as an adventurer fly first class, Greg. It seems like the sort of feat you would attempt.
I hope this isn’t some insect trend spreading about. I remember back in middle school kids started wearing their backpacks on only one shoulder to look more like the high school kids. Vicious cycle if you ask me, since I’m sure the high school kids did the exact same thing when they were in middle school too. I guess I’m trying to say that no matter how cool you might think you look sans wing, it’s not healthy and it’s limited your abilities.
Regardless of your past travels you’re here now, and I hope in your last feeble insect moments on this earth you can enjoy what my kitchen has to offer. Permit me to show you around the complex.
When not covered in delicious waste, the floor is quite fetching.
As you can see, the kitchen floor is what I like to call “Shabby Chic hardwood”. Basically it’s been used all to hell, but someday I intend to spill some paint on it, tear it up and sell it to some trendy producer in the Hollywood hills for an exorbitant amount of cash. I’m not sure about how large the floorspace might seem in a fly’s eyes, but I imagine it’s about the size of a rather sprawling bungalow retreat.
To me, my kitchen is rather disgusting. But looking at it from your perspective, I imagine it’s paradise.
Being the mess that it is, we have many aquatic choices for you to peruse. You can relax in one of the many bubbling Coca-Cola Springs that seem to naturally occur here, or have a soothing bath in one of the Soy Milk ponds near the refrigerator. I can’t say that they are as fresh as the new rain, but I imagine they have aged quite nicely and make a fine fly brew that is both stimulating and rich in flavor and texture.
The social scene in my kitchen is abuzz every day with many others of your kind in attendance. The wall above the sink, I find, is a hotspot of activity for insect commingling.
The skylight above provides warmth from the sun and access to our rooftop terrace. But be warned, though: this is Los Angeles and the air outside is not always guaranteed to be an improvement over the dank, musky odors contained in my decomposing kitchen.
You will also find a wide selection of foodstuffs to taste at your leisure. Each is guaranteed to provide a unique sensory experience due to the varied spans of time that they have been left out.
A fine bouillabaisse, prepared by Chef Bacteria
The bottom pizza box located next to what I assume is the garbage can of your birth is filled with a substance of indeterminate origin. I haven’t tried it myself, but perhaps to you it will be like the finest aged steak dinner. It’s been sitting there for some time now though, so it might put up a fight before it lets you eat it.
I don’t know anything about you personally Greg, but from what I’ve heard houseflies don’t live long. Here’s hoping you have a chance to settle down with some fine fly with compatible genitals and sire a few hundred children.
But if it’s not too much of a problem, could you hatch them somewhere else?
Loading ...
I’m glad so many of you decided to come over to the website and check out my writing. I hope you’re finding everything up to your expectations. Until my project is ready to be released, I intend to update this frequently with mainly satirical works in line with my own sense of humor. If you need help learning how to subscribe to these posts via RSS, then there is a helpful video tutorial here. Bye, and thanks again for reading!
Leave a Reply
-
You must be bored. Look around, maybe giggle if you feel the tickle.
Feel free to join the mishmash by leaving comments, and stay updated by subscribing to the RSS feed. YAY FOAR MARKETING/ADVERTISING! :|
You can also subscribe by email by filling the field below:
My Flickr
September 25th, 2008 on 6:02 am
Aww. Greg sounds like a sweetie. However, try not to get too attached my dear - these things never work out in the long run. You’re just too different.
Your writing style has come a long way, Ben, and as one of the few - let’s say, five - people who ever found your *(boh3m3 NINJA EDIT!)* (hella old-school) I feel I’m in a position to say that. ;)
September 25th, 2008 on 6:21 am
Wow, just, wow
September 25th, 2008 on 7:00 am
what bryan said
September 25th, 2008 on 7:21 am
Hmmm…Greg seems like a pretty amiable guy.
I, unfortunately, had several such little buddies. Until two days ago, that is, when i scrubbed and bleached EVERYTHING in my kitchen.
I rather like it that way.
September 25th, 2008 on 9:42 am
Boh3m3, either you were extremely bored, or you are on some serious drugs. Regardless, this greatly entertained me.
September 25th, 2008 on 12:47 pm
Benny…are you lonely?
Really, if you’re so lonely that you’re talking to flies…spend more time with the ladies. If you’re spending all time possible with the ladies, and you still talk to flies…maybe you should reconsider your sexuality.
September 25th, 2008 on 7:30 pm
That was hilarious. I never really thought of a fly as a roommate but I bet they’d love my kitchen as well.
September 25th, 2008 on 9:17 pm
Haha, that was a cute blog. :)
September 25th, 2008 on 11:51 pm
Very entertaining!
September 26th, 2008 on 4:11 pm
I could not find any other words to say so i’ll say: Haw-some!
September 26th, 2008 on 6:01 pm
Flies are cool; they don’t sting or bite you like bees or mosquitoes. Spiders, on the other hand, make the coolest roommates. They control the indoor bug infestation and create wicked, silky webbings from their butts.
@Thiefree: would you have a working link to the *(boh3m3 NINJA EDIT!)*? I, too, would like to read the earlier musings of Mr. Going.
September 26th, 2008 on 9:50 pm
@Thiefree - scratch that request; my Google-fu skills kicked in and I found what I was looking for.
*(boh3m3 NINJA EDIT!) edited to remove link to angsty old blogs that I had completely fucking forgotten about, but now can’t help but laugh at. Thanks for the link. Don’t mention it again plz*
September 27th, 2008 on 6:23 am
I really liked this tale, Greg sounds like a nice fly - an indication of your writing ability, you created a friendly character out of a house fly.
And damn u Ben for removing the references to your old blog. I actually read the first comment before your editing but didn’t look it up and now can’t remember the words - there’s 2 words in my head, in capitals, somewhere in there, possibly a T in there somewhere. Bugger.
September 27th, 2008 on 7:33 am
Hahahahah oops.
Humble apologies, B
But also: fucking funneh XD
September 27th, 2008 on 5:27 pm
bollax ben thats a bunch of bollax!!!! taking down the link!!! pues yeah the fly…intresting blog. i talk to flies too…just because i figure if i engage them in conversation they will be less inclined to annoy the piss out of me. flies are really intresting though, on a biological level anyways.
September 27th, 2008 on 7:48 pm
I definitely think Greg would be a preferable roommate in comparison to a lot of humans I know. And as a plus he wouldn’t tell me to clean up after myself, or to give him the goddamn rent on time. Yup, definitely a plus.
September 28th, 2008 on 8:47 am
Oh man. That was genius, Ben. More please! :)
September 28th, 2008 on 6:25 pm
I want to have Greg as a roommate. Think about it- insects get a LOT of girls.
October 5th, 2008 on 3:09 am
wow u really got a great pix of that fly!
October 9th, 2008 on 1:43 am
If your writing has improved this much I cant wait to see how the movie is going to turn out.