Dear Cheesy Manager Who I Remember Too Much About [Act 3]
by boh3m3 on Sep.08, 2008, under Dear World
Just started reading? Begin at ACT 1 by clicking here.
In our last episode…
We get about 10% less tangled than those bloody Righties and you say we have to stop. We remove sweaty palms from awkward stranger palms and sit down, pondering if we brought any hand sanitizer and vowing not to eat anything or touch our faces until we wash our hands again.
I remember that you whinged on about how the exercise told you everything you needed to know about us. You said if we grouped up into departments he would interview us one on one for about 30 seconds. You also mentioned that anyone who is hired will get a call by Sunday, and those who weren’t would have a quiet weekend.
Well it’s been a quiet weekend for me, I don’t mind telling you. And since it’s evident I’m not hired by you, I’d like to take a chance to tell you exactly how I feel.
My Ex-Almost-Boss
Fuck you, you fucking FUCK!
Since I’m 70% sure you hired the most attractive, most available, and most compatible with age woman over me you are officially a Grade-A ShitStabber First Class. But since I can’t be completely sure that it’s her until I see her in the store, I also have to assume that someone else out of our ragtag group was chosen over me.
In which case you chose someone over the first person to show up for your interview, who was the most prepared and articulate in the group interview and was least likely to kill you while dressed as a woman riding a wolf.
So enjoy your extramarital affair with the foxy single mom, who will take your managerial position the minute your life falls apart from your wife discovering your horizontal hula with your employee. Or enjoy being followed at night and being watched while you sleep by Mr. Andy of the YellowPlaid Ninja Serial Killers.
Your biggest fan,
Ben
Loading ...Whoo… felt good to vent there. Again, gotta ask for some feedback. Seems like people think I shouldn’t need comments to keep going, but I beg to differ. If i can get to know what you guys like and don’t like, I can cater my writing a bit more. Not to mention that poster-commenter convos sometimes yeild interesting post ideas.
So COMMENT and SUBSCRIBE TO RSS, mofuggas!
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September 8th, 2008 on 5:05 am
Beautiful & eloquent conclusion and I always laugh when I see Marty Feldman’s eyeballs juxtaposed on Jon Cryer’s mug!
September 8th, 2008 on 5:24 am
Oh shit, I’m having flashbacks of high school teambuilding and leadership activities…There’s something creepy about those activities - I’m pretty sure everybody hates them but somehow we still do them, why is there never an uprising? I must say the highlight for me was the wolf as a mode of transport, I would’ve hired that guy in the hope that one day he would ride a wolf to work. Nice work Ben, hope you remembered to wash your pen afterwards.
September 8th, 2008 on 5:29 am
@J : I washed that pen as if I were Faye Dunaway after a Scarface-sized line of cocaine.
September 8th, 2008 on 5:41 am
So the manager was ridiculous, inefficient and biased. Yep, definitely sounds like someone you should aspire to work for/with.
(Aside: Link from page 2 to page 3 has a typo that breaks it, btw)
September 8th, 2008 on 5:53 am
@Dulcenea : Thanks luv. Fixed.
September 8th, 2008 on 6:24 am
You’re better off anyway not working for someone like that. It probably wouldn’t have ended well.
September 8th, 2008 on 6:33 am
@Jenea : Most likely, but I still would have worked for him in spite of that simply to get money.
September 8th, 2008 on 6:55 am
great story ben, sorry you didn’t get the job. i have to admit though sometimes its hard hiring people. i always try to give the job to the person i believe will do the better job, sometimes i really want to give it to that single mom but cant. other times, its the really attractive women who will do the best,but then i don’t want to hire them cause then ill wanna fuck them. big dilemma. ciao
September 8th, 2008 on 7:47 am
Awesome story. I haven’t been through an interview like that myself but I feel your pain. Too bad you didn’t get the job — not just for the lack of earnings but also for all the blog posts about working for that idiot that you will now not be writing :) Hope you get a good job soon.
September 8th, 2008 on 8:02 am
Here’s an idea;
Write about one of the most stressful moments in your life. A bit like the time you were arrested at 15…but WRITTEN, not spoken.
Seen, but not heard.
Taken in with eyes…not with the ears.
And by the way, Ben…are you a bus driver now? You suddenly work at a high school (mainly staring at dirt), and then you boast about being paid $20 an hour to drive some large vehicle around.
If you are a bus driver, tell me what school you work at. I will spend $100’s (airfare ftw!) to see you doing that.
September 8th, 2008 on 8:22 am
@joiywtj HAH! No no, I’m not a fuckin’ bus driver now. It was a 3 day temp job unboxing computer nodes and plugging them in at a high school in Watts. They sent me on a cross-city pickup errand and still paid me the hourly. That’s what all that was about.
September 8th, 2008 on 8:22 am
The story is great, really. I wish I could write even half as well as you do. Your use of comparison and adjectives is just effing impressive, at least to my little estonian wannabe-English-speaking mind.
September 8th, 2008 on 8:25 am
@Triinu : Awww thank you. Don’t believe it’s THAT great, but thank you nonetheless.
September 8th, 2008 on 9:37 am
First, this is well written! Next, I understand completely. I am currently trying to find something(anything) and just had a woman do an 8 hour interview in which her 6 month old exorcist style threw up pink bananas all over the only nice outfit i own. She then called and grilled every last one of my references and finally, ignored me for three days, called at 10pm on the fourth and said “oh, i dunno if i wanna commute to the city with the baby anymore maybe i’ll stay at home with her instead of working”. WTF!
September 8th, 2008 on 11:24 am
@Jessi Fuckin’ crazy old world isn’t it?
September 8th, 2008 on 12:37 pm
Damn.
So get a job as a bus driver.
PLEASE ME, OR I SHALL FINALLY KICK YOU OUT OF THAT HOUSE YOU WERE GOING TO BE KICKED OUT OF 6 MONTHS AGO, WHILE FEEDING YOU MY GRANDMOTHER’S FAVORITE RECIPES FROM THE OLD COUNTRY.
September 8th, 2008 on 12:42 pm
Gawd, I feel very fortunate I have not had to undergo an experience like this.. yet. The one and only interview I’ve had in my life was for a position at Dominos, and let me tell you, I frickin nailed it!
As my first of only two jobs (my other one was a gimme at my dad’s work.. for the past 3 summers), it gave me a glimpse into the work-world, and the interview was kinda fun, actually. Sometimes you can just tell you’re doing well and your boss isn’t a complete asshole.
Good luck next time, dude. And the wolf-rider bit was fucking hilarious.
September 8th, 2008 on 4:07 pm
Holy Hell, not only was this the most hilarious thing ive read in one sitting, youve managed to help me procrasinate from my homework for about 20 minutes. Thank You
September 8th, 2008 on 4:48 pm
Are you kidding me?
My interview was this simple:
I went in (and it was one-on-one), sat across from a nice and relatively pretty lady, talked and made fun of teenagers with no work ethic, and then I was hired.
You got gypped.
September 8th, 2008 on 10:59 pm
Holy crap man! Is this really what it has become like out there? Thank GOD Alaska is light years away from this.
On a serious note though, I imagined (until the colorful metaphor kick in) that I was reading a transcript of the NPR show “This American Life”. You seriously could unseat David Sedaris from his throne over there if you wanted to.
Pax,
P
September 9th, 2008 on 11:46 am
This has nothing to do with your story but I moved to a new town and started a new job last month and I met a chick at work who also watches you on youtube. I thought that was pretty neat. Small effing world.
September 9th, 2008 on 12:45 pm
@Bryan : Thanks man! Anything within my power usurp the authority of homework!
September 9th, 2008 on 12:46 pm
@ebony: Good for you! Now stop rubbin’ it IN!
September 9th, 2008 on 12:46 pm
@Paidion : Yes, thank god you are in Alaska, isolated from everyone but the Alaskans and Feral Canadians. And thanks for the compliment too!
September 9th, 2008 on 12:47 pm
@Merr : Freaky… Two chicks who watch my videos in the same small town and know each other… Small tiny minuscule little world.
September 9th, 2008 on 6:22 pm
That picture of the John Cryer mutant is creepy as hell. I have you to thank for my upcoming nightmares ; ]
September 10th, 2008 on 4:36 pm
I LOVE how you write. It’s so freaking entertaining. Thanks for the laughs while I’m bored at work watching old sweaty women exercise =]
September 11th, 2008 on 3:18 am
@lexi: You’re quite welcome!
@Maria: Thank you, and I wonder what kind of work you’re doing and if they are hiring.
September 11th, 2008 on 7:24 pm
You’re welcome! I work at an all women’s gym…as exciting as it must sound to you being the average male, you wouldn’t want to work there. Trust me. ha
September 11th, 2008 on 9:46 pm
@Maria: I’m sure it wouldn’t be quite as “Spice Channel” as I think it is.
September 19th, 2008 on 2:50 am
You entertaining bastard. I liked your colorful metaphors and your random sense of humor had me holding my side yet again. Keep up the good work and Ill keep checkin your scripts
P.S. wolfrider shirt ftw
September 23rd, 2008 on 8:34 pm
I love the way you write, you’re so unique. Keep up the good work and what a fucking turd of a manager? Can we say grade school team building exercises? I’d take a one on one interview anytime over that crap.