Dear Cheesy Manager Who I Remember Too Much About [Act 1]
by boh3m3 on Sep.07, 2008, under Dear World
Dear Cheesy Manager Who I Remember Too Much About,
My "Dream" Job
Hi! My name’s Ben. You may not remember me, but I was one of your applicants this week. I came into your Books N Shit, Inc branch early and prepared to take on your interview. Instead, I ended up in what I consider to be the biggest 2 hour waste of time since Disaster Movie.
Your minions directed me to the upper patio where our interview was to be held with a burning trail of anguished souls screaming to be hired. I saw it crawl up the Broken Escalator of Hardship, slither through the Twisting Wastes of “Calendars of Intelligent Thought”, and fizzle to an end in the Field of the Always Occupied Four Chairs.
I sat in my (surprisingly) empty chair, with a printed resume, my pen and a hardcover copy of The HitchHikers Guide to the Galaxy to write on at the ready. As I dutifully filled out your company’s formal application, the other applicants started their invasion.
Puberian standard issue tooth swords
They were halfway up the Broken Escalator of Hardship, using obnoxious high school jokes and collective bitching about the escalator as a source of fuel. The Puberian Hordes advanced on my previously peaceful position. I was the poor skeptic being glared at by 6 million Mongol Warriors with “just got pubes” confidence and psychological warfare in the form of squeaky voices and pustulous acne of unusual size.
None of them had a goddamn pen. I was THAT guy, apparently. The only dude with a pen in the group of 12 who had to watch his prized writing instrument fingered by strange, unwashed digits of unknown previous travel destinations.
I tried not to recall that only 1/3 of men wash their hands after using the bathroom. I then tried not to do the math and find out that in a group of 12 with 9 guys, 3 of them did something they want to share with my pen.
Yet I endured, feeling confident that I would have a better chance over a group of kids. I settled in to read more of “The Restaurant At the End of the Universe,” only to see in a FLASH the most deadly bitter enemies of every twentysomething unmarried poor guy.
There was the obese ethnic “sweet” girl who ran 15 minutes late because her bus broke down. Smiles too much and exudes desperation like a Super Soaker exudes water.
Then, of course, came the college-kid brother and sister team. Odds in their favor that either of them had a better chance than any of the others. It was a one-two punch of educated wholesomeness.
But the coupe de grace was the late-20s-single-MILF with green eyes, a body given to Yoga, and a perfect smile. Having met you the day earlier (and obviously made an impression on), she was the final nail in my coffin.
Unfortunately for me, I did not realize this going in. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say… and my real eyes are nearsighted. And still more unfortunate that you were not far enough away to be blurry. Thus, I was subjected to the audiovisual cinematic “MANAGER You.”
aka Marty Cryer
You at first glance made me think you were the lovechild of the understudies for Marty Feldman and Jon Cryer. You know… all the ugly bits and none of the charm? I came to find out that the situation was an order of magnitude worse. You seemed to have the stage mannerisms and public speaking techniques of a young Tom Green trying out stand-up managerial comedy (if that young Tom Green lacked the comedic skill and was left with just personal and regional diction).
We were instructed to make a semicircle. So twelve jittery applicants dragged your trendy wrought iron patio chairs across the concrete patio and created a cacophony similar to what I imagine occurs whenever Wolverine lets out stress on a mile-high chalkboard.
Right up front, you told us all that this process would take an hour, and that anyone who could not stay one hour needed to leave right then. Bug eyed applicants took turns glancing at each other.
CONTINUE TO ACT 2! Conflict, sweaty palms and despair!
I see a lot of people voting, but not too many commenters. Tell me what you think, peoples! Even if it’s just digging my weenis, it still counts for something.
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September 8th, 2008 on 3:08 am
ha pretty sweet vlog Ben
September 8th, 2008 on 3:18 am
This blog post reminds me so much of an hideous job interview i had 3 years ago with the LDB (Liquor Distribution Branch) in Canada. A group of us had to write an exam that was not modified since its creation in 1946! I wanted to stock their shelves for the Christmas season and their hiring procedures left very little for desire - I wasn’t hired.
Thank you, Ben, for Act 1 and I’m looking forward to your prose and funny Photoshops of Act 2!
September 8th, 2008 on 3:33 am
Ha! I would pay to see the love child of Marty and Jon - however - due to your technological celebrity spawn making, I won’t have to now…
September 8th, 2008 on 3:39 am
Looking forward to Act 2! I like this change of direction - writing over video. You always know a good blog post, a good story, when you get through a page and you’re still interested. And, you’re not a bad writer - the style has the same tang as your vids but you can build a much better story with your writing. I have 621 items in my reader waiting to be read but your posts always go to the top of the list. Keep up with the content Ben! And thanks for letting me know about Write Monkey - nice program.
September 8th, 2008 on 4:06 am
Oh, dear Ben. You know we’d all love to dig into and pull on your weenis.
Your writing is ever entertaining, however, you don’t need our points of view to solidify your talents.
September 8th, 2008 on 4:37 am
@phil - blog, mang. Not vlog.
September 8th, 2008 on 4:38 am
@OzBro - I swear the system is so decrepit it’s incredible. And part 2 is now up!
September 8th, 2008 on 4:39 am
@Ryan G. - Well my version here isn’t 100% accurate. In real life his eyes were alien blood blue.
September 8th, 2008 on 4:39 am
@J - Awesome man! Thanks for the compliments. And Act 2 is now up. Act three should be up within the hour, too I suspect.
September 8th, 2008 on 4:40 am
@joiywtj - Just because you want to yank on my weenis doesn’t mean the other readers do!
September 8th, 2008 on 6:24 am
hey ben, loved part one. i wanted to comment before getting to part two. i really enjoyed your imagery, and honestly the entire time i was reading i could see simalar instances from my own life. look forward to numero dos.
September 8th, 2008 on 6:33 am
@brandon : Thanks man.
September 8th, 2008 on 7:13 am
Yanking is fairly unimaginative; I want to dress your weenis up as an old iranian man and take photos of it.
Anyway! Blog. Relevant comments. Yes. Distraught though I am that the job-hunt is being such a bitch for you, I can’t help but think that when you get something, you’ll be so grateful that you’ll lick your manager’s boots every morning. Who doesn’t want that kind of job satisfaction! Bright future ahead of you, etc.
I guess you’re not really up for moving again?
September 8th, 2008 on 7:54 am
Brilliant! Your prose was highly entertaining and the images only served to further fuel my snickering. (I’m sure my roommate thinks I’m crazy now…) My personal favorite? When you had to be “that guy” with the pen. I hate it when that happens.
September 8th, 2008 on 7:56 am
…Yes, it does. Though I prefer Thiefree’s idea. I want to dress you up as a girl, then and only then, will I dress your weenis up as Old Iranian Man.
We could have you pose in ways that suggest your weenis is saving your life.
September 8th, 2008 on 11:26 am
@Thiefree An old Iranian man? How sociopolitical of you… *swoon*
September 8th, 2008 on 11:26 am
@MaiaMelanieRain UGH! It’s the worst, isn’t it?!
September 8th, 2008 on 11:27 am
@joiywtj : Wow I’m willing to venture a guess on you having some seriously kinky ulterior motives for your ideas.
September 8th, 2008 on 12:34 pm
Oh, you know me so well.
I get off on cross dressing men with their elbows in the highest fashion.
I wanted to take pictures of it so I could pleasure myself to it later, using my favorite cucumber.
September 9th, 2008 on 6:06 pm
That was a good laugh- you definitely have a way with words.
Gonna read the next installment… now.
October 20th, 2008 on 4:26 pm
CABBAGE!!!!!! CABBAGE IZ BAYD!! & so are job intervyooz and suches