A Day in the Life… of ZeFrank
by boh3m3 on Sep.12, 2008, under A Day in The Life...
16:00 - 9/12/08 (day 544)
A high tech alarm/PC beeps an automatically selected song this morning from data it non-intrusively monitored in Ze’s sleep cycle over the night. Today’s song is “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins.
The alarm is networked to digital micropanels in his floor-to-ceiling bay windows. The miniature shutter clusters receive a “open” command pattern from the alarm and gently break a 2 PM dawn on the groggy sleeper, who is determined not to “be hangin’ on like a yo-yo” [at right].
Endorphins flood the brain of Ze “Danger” Frank as his required umbilicus is attached and grafted to his torso over the scars of previous grafting. He stretches and yawns just before his module delivers the first infusion of protein, caffeine, vitamins and nutrients to his body. His custom molded slippers feel plush and supple as they shrink and adjust to his feet.
His eyes go from his natural-sized brown with slightly puffy bags to a bulging cartoonish pair of baby blues as his veins are slightly overstuffed with Certified Required Nutrients (CRNs). Once flaccid sacks in the lip positions are now filled with synthetic recyclable collagen and jut defiantly, NAY! Sarcastically forward to the world he comments upon.
His hair, Once tame and black, becomes overstimulated with the additional umbilicus bio-energy from the node. In protection from further harm, his hairs group together, lose most of their pigmentation, fuse slightly more than halfway up (giving the common appearance of gel) and extend perpendicularly away from the source of disturbance, the head (giving the modern spiked look).
As he walks to the bathroom [at left] for his early morning waste valve release, he is struck with the most mind-numbingly incredible and priceless idea that would fill the hearts and minds of millions of watchers with pure golden bells of laughter. Unfortunately, as the bathroom contains no pen or paper, the thought is completely lost over the course of waste valve release.
In the hall from his master bedroom to the kitchen, he “pwns” the entire world’s combined thought process and reasoning in a thundering, atmospheric teabag summoned from the might of his Uberness. He then proceeds to wash some random dishes that had been dirtied the previous night by tiny robot dish-nastiers that help keep him sane by providing the illusion of normality.
In his living room that resembles what the 80s thought the future would be, Ze “It’s-Not-Contagious-I-Swear” Frank sits down and watches FOX. He proceeds to scratch his waste valve area for no less than 20 minutes straight.
Looking through the bills, he finds a standard, preprinted letter from his building’s landlord requesting rent money past due. Silly man, he thought, knowing that I bought this place from a BIG fan for a quarter… With a few rips and a toss, the 5 figure bill was where it seemed like it belonged: the trash.
He opens his closet to reveal a veritable dungeon of ripped cords and broken computer equipment surrounding a cramped studio set, complete with a deactivated and dusty camera.
A wet grin spreads across Ze’s face as he fantasizes about making shows. Intellectually and conversationally undressing for hundreds of thousands of people always got him grinning. But not today. Not since that damn sneakerbot got in there.
A pleasant ding tone reminds him its time for Musculo-Skeletal Stimulus for the required 45 minutes [at right]. He lays in a tanning-bed style booth of thousands of acupuncture needles wired to electrodes. As Frank closes the lid, feeling thousands of penetrating bits of metal begin to pulse and stimulate, he finds it hard to remember where he used to live, or how he even got there, or that he cared.
Stepping out of the dust shower and into his orange jumpsuit was always a miserable task for Z. Frank. His name tag, which previously read “Delta-J45ZF”, had been covered in white-out, upon which he had scribbled “The One” in crude Sharpie letters. The backwards “e’s” a result of writing backwards through the reflection of a bit of shiny scrap metal.
He affixed the spring pads to his ankles with an ankle holster of Mylanta, found in one of the empty offices above. All that inertia-shifting nonsense really does a number on Ze Delta-J45ZF.
In a well-rehearsed sequence of moves, Delta-J45ZF has his equipment attached and ready for anything. A quick inventory check:
- Magic Markers (set of 4)? Check.
- Spraypaint (two cans red and two cans black)? Check.
- Painter’s tape? Check.
- Wheat paste and rollers? Check.
- Stencils (set of 3 [The cake is a lie, stencil of sentry bots, stencil of cake with one candle crossed out])? Check.
He hears the usual bangings of the involuntary volunteer science subject’s waking up and nods his head slightly.
With a final glance at his once-glorious broadcast room Of course they hadn’t forgotten about me… He picks up the portal gun [above] from the charred Companion Cube it usually rests on. He caresses the edge of his rescued Companion Cube and charges into the bright ambient light of Aperture Science’s test facility, yelling the theme to SpeedRacer.
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Whew! That was fun. Sorry the images are a bit different from what I intened to have, but Ze didn’t get back to me before my newspaper impulses made the deadline too much to bear. I might update the photos in the future, but I kind of like the odd contrast they have with the words. Could be fun.
P.S.: Also, check out the NEW phone blogs page.
P.P.S.: How to subscribe to this (your favorite) site using RSS (mostly harmless)
Question of the day!
If you, under pain of excruciating and definite death, had to pick one limb to be painlessly and permanently amputated at its root (arm from shoulder socket, leg from pelvic bone), which one would you have taken off and why?
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September 12th, 2008 on 1:50 am
Arm. Left arm to be exact. I happen to be right handed and I need both legs to walk. I have never been very good at hopping. If you think about it, most really important tasks can easily be accomplished with only one hand, if you catch my drift.
September 12th, 2008 on 9:07 am
This question poses a dilemma of two kinds; not only which limb you are willing to permanently remove for survival, but, if it is a possibility, which limb would you have superpowered?!
Cue the opening sequence to ‘The Six Million Dollar Man’, specifically the quote heard ’round the Sci-Fi world: “Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.. we have the technology.” A question like that following a blog post surely suggesting an environment with near-infinite technological capabilities…
In that case, I would remove my right leg (both, actually, but you asked for just one) in replacement for a bionic super-leg. I’m sure Aperture Science would be happy to oblige with the design and surgery of the procedure. After all, I AM nothing more than a test subject.
…
Am I reading too far into this..? I just got caught up in a fantastical world somewhat parallel to iRobot.. Ive gabbed on for far too long here. Hope you enjoyed Portal as much as I did Ben.
September 12th, 2008 on 9:52 am
hmm…right arm. because i was in a car accident a few years ago and it fucked up my shoulder. maybe if i cut that fucker off it wont bother me so much anymore. but yeah.
September 12th, 2008 on 12:13 pm
I use my left arm/hand for everything except writing…even so, I’d pick the left arm.
I could learn to make my right arm as tough and smexy as my left…some day.
September 12th, 2008 on 2:00 pm
i love when you said that thing about what the 80s thought the future would be…thats an interesting concept for all generations.. their depiction of what they thought the future would be.
the limb that i would choose would have to be one of my arms if i amputated one of my legs my scoliosis would probably get worse on one side and twist a weird way because i would be Hopping on one leg and applying intense pressure to one hip and … yeah it just wouldnt be pretty. so i would say goodbye to my left arm ….i dont like that hand much it cant do anything and i believe it is controlled by my left brain and i dont like that lobe so much its boring and uncreative. I would also be interested to see …actually damn i couldnt get rid of my left arm because my top curve with my scoliosis would probably get worse because on the top half of my body it curves to the right so not having the weight of that arm there would make it go more to the right and be bad !
ugh… arms.
September 13th, 2008 on 5:25 am
Definitely going to go with left left leg here. I have arthritis and RLS in that knee[i'm only 21! Ugh!], and i don’t really need it much except to walk, which is overrated anyways. I use my right leg to drive, so…
Losing one of my arms…i don’t think i could handle that. I’m pretty much ambidextrous for the exception of writing, which is totally only right-handed. But i can play guitar right or left-handed, and a lot of other things.
September 13th, 2008 on 4:01 pm
I would choose to take off my left leg. I have a sweet ass tattoo on my right foot that hurt so much to get so I just wouldn’t want to part with it. I’d take off a leg instead of an arm because I think having a fake leg would be more efficient then having a fake arm.
September 14th, 2008 on 5:45 am
@HeyRadialMoon: I’m pickin up what you’re putting down. But if you’re missing an arm you can’t try “The Stranger” method. That’s a sad existence if I’ve ever known one.
@Derek: Miiiight be reading too much into it chap. Just mebbeh. :D
@brandon: Man that sucks. Well at least it’s not a back injury. A friend of mine once described it as the most horrible pain afflicting them through most of the day. Injury is injury, of course. At least it’s not as bad as it could have been.
@joiywtj: Get a new nick! And did you know that there’s a number of left handed people who die every year because of right-handed products? Seriously.
@brookebee: Wow. Probably the most intricate answer I’ve heard yet! Although the consensus seems to be the less dominant arm, which I don’t get. Then again, not everyone shares my penchant for pimped out wheelchairs.
@Antha: ANTHA! Seems like you’re the first person to think about cutting a leg off! Good for you! Have a complimentary stolen hospital wheelchair! Pretend it’s a spaceship.
@Merr: I agree. Not to mention it’d be fucking SWEET to have one of those upsidedown questionmark feet.
September 14th, 2008 on 6:34 pm
I’d have my tail removed. There’s barely any clothing that accommodates a tail and I’m not much of a fan of assless chaps.
Seriously though, I’d have a leg removed. It doesn’t bother me which one as long as I could replace it with a good old-fashioned peg-leg.
As for the story, I found it intriguing but a bit difficult to read - maybe too much going on or too many new terms and images in a small amount of text, not sure. Good imagery though.