Dec 042015

Every black Friday is the same sad horror show. Aren’t we getting tired of how ridiculous each year’s mob spectacle plays out? Is this suburbia’s version of “The Purge,” wherein minimum wage retail staff are the collateral damage of commerce?

Every year people stampede stores in tens of thousands…just a mass of heads in north face windbreakers and tacky Magellan “explorer wear” shirts replete with ventilation flap, dripping credit out their lambskin wallets. Their Uggs and Topsiders have been seasoned with 33 hours of queuing in the cold and they want blood. Also SAVINGS.

Some people have been injured via trampling-related incidents. Some have been killed.

Of all the callous and meaningless ways to die in this world, nobody wants to die because a few hundred people wanted to save 10 bucks on an SD card.  I don’t want to endanger my nonexistent children by field-tripping their stumpy legged neediness through 20 minutes of hip-checking grab-shopping (not to mention the 4 hours of waiting in line to check out).

“That’s just how it goes” is the usual explanation. Another thing people just do that has become an event worthy of news coverage practically every 10 minutes the day of. People dying in countries American’s don’t poll well for?

News Anchor 1 (Erin Featherbrasker)

News Anchor 2 (Tucker Sutton-Hucker)
Target’s selling reusable Dachscund sweatpants for TWENTY DOLLARS EACH.

News Anchor 1 (Erin Featherbrasker)
That’s an incredible 20% off. You need these sweatpants like
Sweet Baby Jesus need milk-milk.

News Anchor 2 (Tucker Sutton-Hucker)
God bless commerce, Erin

News Anchor 1 (Erin Featherbrasker)
Hail Hydra, Tucker.

Anyone who has watched more than two videos of Black Friday riots can see that this is the average desperate American’s prime directive. The social pressure and odds of saving money form a perfect storm of selfish, frustrated violence. Even if the world can’t give you a wage to live on or incentive to achieve, even if you may never own your own home because of inflated rent and cost of living…well at fucking least you can get a nice television a hundred bucks cheaper to stare at and forget how miserable you are.

Or a PC :) (Just saying).

Every year, many times a year I have intense conversations with friends about the desperation of their life. How things have just got to get better some time soon. I hope they are right.

For now, we celebrate with ruthless capitalism. For now we send our check-prayers to our Creditor-Gods and hope the floor doesn’t fall out from beneath us.

For now we shop.

When we can.

Other Stuff for Eyeball Fondling (OSFEF)

 Posted by at 11:23 pm

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