Brain Poops

Every time I hear about the next big breakthrough in graphics or special effects I have this kneejerk reflex that makes me immediately vomit blood for five to seven minutes after. After the incident at E3 some years back, EA Games doesn’t invite me to their annual “Booze-and-Bragfest” cocktail mixers.

For as long as I can remember the movie, television, and video game industries have been “Keeping up with the Joneses” in the realm of delivering a better image of a mousetrap. As Magritte would say, “Ceci n’est pas une Holodeck.”

My main gripe with this industrial game of leapfrog is that we, the little people, tend to get jumped over faster than the next in line. It’s a regular complaint of mine that you can’t buy toilet paper without a better version coming out 4 days later. You are wiping your ass with Quilted v1.5.255d. Upgrade now?

Perhaps it’s me showing my age or my plutonium-grade retroslutism, but I would be thrilled if they went back and really explored the limits of the Sega Genesis. Pixel graphics have so much charm and possibility that I think in the race to the DreamCast it was greatly overlooked. Of course eventually the industry would have had to move forward, but with the speed of technology going obsolete, it’s like buying a ham sandwich that tastes like shit two bites in.

I realize that there’s not a chance that this sort of thing would happen, of course. I guess I’m fulfilling my duty by supplying the retro elitism that is asked for by the Great Sphincter of the Cosmos.

A Prayer to the Great Sphincter of the Cosmos

_by boh3m3

Oh Sphincter, Great Sphincter!
Mighty Clenching Colonmuscle of the Cosmos!
Bless us with your gasseous inspiration,
And lead us not to the creative constipation
that comes when we eat too much Everyday Cheese!
 Amen!

Evey: Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what, and what I am is a man in a mask.

It’s a strange day in your life when you realize that in some respect everyone you meet is wearing a mask that covers their true nature. I’m speaking figuratively of course, although the idea of Halloween year round would make the bar scene more entertaining.

In the world we live in, projecting something to the world that isn’t your true self is less an act of avoidance and more a survival trait. It’s not hard to believe that if you show your whole being to whomever should look you will invite the vicious to strike at the soft spot of your emotional armor.

It’s for that reason that we develop a shell persona. We sculpt the mask we want people to see from the clay of our life experiences with the tools of our deductive reasoning. We want so-and-so to think that we aren’t unusual, so we conform to trends in personal grooming and style to fit in with the herd. An awkward wolf in sophisticated sheep’s clothing.

But is it completely beneficial to disguise yourself so well? To hide your nature and in so doing hide your true purposes? It stands to reason that anyone who either finds benefit in your mask or puts in enough time getting to know you will start to notice the cracks in your façade.

Sooner or later the mask must come off. The question that keeps digging into my side is given that inevitable result, is it worth it to hide your nature in the first place?

Showing people what you want them to see gives them a more palatable transition to seeing your true self and perhaps opens up possibilities for interactions with people who might otherwise be put off by who you really are. But again, that’s not guaranteed.

Is it better to reveal the unrestrained truth of your nature and persona, or introduce it over time with strategic lies and omissions? Little white lies in the form of jewelry you can’t afford and mannerisms you see appropriate for the occasion.

Which is the better path?

I want to thank everyone who has donated, and the few of you who bid on my shwag.

As of today, donations and even the bid amounts (assuming they make their way here) included, I am nearly flat broke. I know that I would have been worse off without you, watching and reading and posting and putting up with my shit. My original intent was to move out by next month using the money from the donations and bidding, but Uncle Sam has the taste of blood on his tongue and took an especially large bite out of me. I’ll be eating peanut butter sandwiches for the next few weeks.

I doubt you will take me seriously when I say this isn’t a Sally Struthers “Save the children donate now!” kind of thing. When I say that I’m in a bad way financially, it’s more for me to recognize and accept it. But in spite of all this, I can only be thankful for those of you who have helped me along the way. I hope being listed on something as odd as a “Producers” page can suffice for now, and I hope those of you who contribute in your own way by watching and telling friends will understand my frustration that I can’t name and thank you individually.

From here I walk the tightrope I was on when I started this whole madness. Unless the background acting thing ramps up in a major way, I’ll be taking another job… probably waiting tables. This combined with my plans for video content should provide a hectic but productive near future.

I just hope I can stop bitching long enough to get things done.

Thanks for reading.

Sometimes I think I’m broken. I think why do I think that? I think who could I have been? I think that in some way or other I’m somehow the worst thing that could have occurred from being conceived. That in some parallel dimension there’s the best version of myself thinking that in some parallel dimension I exist… And I do.

I see the choices I made and didn’t make, the roads I didn’t walk down and the people I didn’t talk to. I picture hundreds of thousands of alternate possibilities extending ad infinitum and I see the domino effect from one insignificant choice made to the next.

I think of the sometimes futility of thinking and giggle to myself.

I think of not thinking. I wonder what it would be like to not have preconceived notions and a lifetime of experiences shaping my thoughts and actions. I remember the phrase ignorance is bliss, and the looks of pity to the ignorant from the people who say things like that.

These things run through my head like little model trains loaded with paradoxes wrapped in contradictions. I spend my time putting pennies on the tracks.

But eventually I remember that when I’m feeling like the worst person on earth, out of the billions of people in the world at least a hundred people did as I have done, or would have. And in that anonymous throng of humanity I find peace that I’m not so fucked up that I can claim to be alone on this rock.

Then I smile. I feel the warmth of the sun on my face again and I know I’m going to be ok. I know that somewhere, someone loves me and is thinking of me.

I need a computer that is mighty. A computer so godly it makes Jesus ask for a paternity test.

A machine that has a human brain for a processor and a cold-fusion power supply. I want the sky to be my monitor and a keyboard that is made from solidified light. A mouse that squeaks and has an ecosystem under the clear glass dome that serves as a handrest with little humanoid people living inside working on clunky old Gateway rejects from the 1990s.

My computer will eat Pi for breakfast and run Crysis on Mt. Olympus settings with a frame rate of 200FPS. It will understand the female mind.

It shall be cooled by dunking the whole tower in an aquarium with liquid nitrogen, with insanely proportioned alien fish keeping the water circulating and toxin-free.

And most importantly, I need it to last a full decade without being rendered obsolete.

So these two scripts were adapted in no time. To be frank there’s only one real script. Activist Boy was written when people got their knickers in a twist over the soldier doing the ole puppy-chuck on video. People didn’t seem to mind when tens of thousands of civilians died, or thousands of soldiers… yet one fucking puppy and the world was in an uproar.

Thus, I wrote Activist Boy.

The other was just a passive aggressive way for me to deal with people who had a hard time reading more than one page of dialog. Although it would be awesome to see it acted out, I sincerely doubt anyone has the balls.

For the curious, here is Sans Dialogue.

Now I need to sleep a bit. Might have a new video up later.