It hits you squarely in the teeth. Well, at least it hits me that way.
One moment you are bopping along browsing web sites or watching some random flick and the next your brain exploders in a fury of nicotine cravings. Desire so strong your teeth tingle like taking a long pee after waiting 2 hours in a car on a road trip because dad “wanted to make good time”. For me it seems like all I can do to not drive at breakneck speed to the gas station 2 blocks down the road for a pack of American Spirit Lights (my current brand of choice).
I have spent the better part of two years off and on trying to quit smoking. Kind of funny since I’ve only been smoking cigarettes for 3 years or so. Every time I try it seems people come out of the woodwork with advice. In fact I’m sure as soon as I post this blog I’ll get at least 5 messages or comments suggesting bubble gum or nicotine patches or perhaps even lollipops.
I’ve tried it all, with a personal favorite being toothpicks. One time I spent a whole day looking for a replica of the metal toothpick holder Beaver used in the movie Dreamcatcher. To this day I haven’t been able to find anything that comes close. Disappointing, really. Any fetish or sexual situation can be found on the net in abundance, yet a toothpick holder of awesomeness eludes my best boolean search tactics.
It’s expected that I be on edge and cranky for at least the next three days while the last big bits of nicotine piss out of my system. After that I’m always told it’s just habit. Mental triggers that activate with common situations. For me, a cigarette after every meal was normal. As you can tell by my weight gain, I ended up smoking a lot.
One cigarette every morning within the first hour of waking up… that was a regular one. Another cigarette any time I had to be on my motorcycle for an extended period, usually followed by gum to keep my mouth busy in the helmet during bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Cigarettes were also my ticket out of odd situations. I always get a little bit nervous in social scenes… the result of a childhood being grounded for weeks and weeks at a time.
I am Jack’s crippled social abilities.
Whenever the conversation would dull, or perhaps whenever my presence seemed like I wasn’t contributing anything to the conversation or entertainment of the group, I would excuse myself to puff on a smoke outside. It was my ninja smoke ball. My secret handcuff key tucked in my cheek for the final escape act. My “Esc” key.
No more I suppose.
So this is goodbye I suppose, my paper and tobacco leaf friend. My dizzying confidant, my shielding smoke screen and my cancerous getaway car. I hope we never meet again.
EDIT: 11:14 PM
In the spirit of full disclosure I have just had a cigarette. I can’t believe how dizzying the effect of one cigarette has on my perception as well as my general view of the world. I once read that it’s not getting “high” in comparison to the average day-t0-day person, but getting back to that level. The cravings of addiction occur as a result of you feeling worse than you would have normally. When you take a hit of whatever your particular addiction is you are simply bringing yourself back to normal. That’s important to document. I really want to shake myself free of this.
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good luck ben :]
well written too I might add.
mm fightclub.
very well written/\
although I believe if this entry was more about you picking up the habit of goat rape, I wouldn’t be as inclined to admit it – it’s about you making a radical change in your life style. I’m really fucking proud of you!
-z
Welcome back, grasshopper.
I don’t know you well enough to worry about you, but I did think about you and wish you well.
Cigarettes were one of the toughest gorillas I ever carried around on my back. It took me 17 years to finally get tired of carrying it around. You’ll probably dump it when you get tired of it, too. Just don’t take up anything worse on the way (like goat rape).
This was a well written post.
Cheers.
Yes, the eternal struggle continues, tobacco tightens it’s stranglehold over the best of us. Good luck. By the way, “Fight Club,” references kick ass.
hey, i know that the Dar-fur video was a long time ago but i was wondering what ever happened to that?
i learned about the genocide in school about 3 years ago and ive been trying to get something off the ground….
i bet this is the worst thing i could say…. i find it very attractive when a man smokes… even though i quit over a year ago there’s just something about it that when a man takes a drag and holds that cig in his hand that just makes me melt! ah sorry had to get it off my chest =)
you know, maybe you should take up hookah? It’s less addictive with more nicotine? I have no idea if that would help you at all, but it tastes good :D
“I am Jack’s crippled social abilities.”
lol. I love it.
Awkward silences… my favorite. I suffer from the same, though- social anxiety. That’s why I love the internet.
I dunno if this will mean anything, but do you remember when you quit smoking last time and did those videos? I watched them and quit smoking right along with you.
I thought to myself: Damn, if b0h3m3 is gonna do it, I’m gonna do it too. It isn’t like I consider you a role-model. It’s more like you’re a peer, albeit a peer who has no idea who I am, and lives in another country and on the opposite side of the continent.
But yeah. My point is that when I quit smoking I used you as an example for myself, but it seems like you don’t have anything like that. So my advice isn’t to use any aids. No gum. No patches. It’s all bullshit. Just -do- it, and you’ll be a better person, y’know?
you and me both.
I want to kick that habit, but every time it gets harder and harder.